Ladies Room — Episode 3: Rationality & Relationships

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

The context of this discussion has been eliminated due to privacy concerns. But the points are still valid to the individuals and to others who may associate with them.

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Me: These things have happened since forever. It's just now people are being vocal about them, glad though because now people are actually thinking and talking. This conversation needs to take place. But the more you hear, the more you experience, directly or passively, it just teaches you so much more about respecting yourself. Our culture somehow completely skips the topic of self-respect being an essential, when it should be the foundation stone. And honesty it is literally the first building block. I know one thing that I say to y'all who are close to me and I'm forever adamant on it, and shall be. If need ever be, I know my views on this would still be the same and I'd vocalize them too. Please don't promise to love me forever, just do so till you can. And if you ever can't, then at least respect what we have and let me know you want something else. Don't cheat. Just let me know and I'll wish you well and leave. That's it. Period.

Aalu: 💯💯 the best way to put it.

Sam: I will tell him straight up. I am very serious about stuff like this. I will be very clear, I smell any sort of betrayal or cheating, and that includes EMOTIONAL CHEATING, where you are just not there emotionally with me, and are thinking about going astray in that way with someone else, it will be the same as cheating for me. You have to be 200% sure that you actually love me, like me, and will love me and like me, be it physically, emotionally, on a human level, intellectual level, even 20-30 years from now, in every age and every phase, no matter what, that's when I will go ahead with anything. Because I'm someone who is sure of things before I take any big step, and I am sure I have enough room to make things work or find solutions within that decision if there are problems or alterations that are needed. But if I'm choosing you, I'm choosing you forever. If you can't promise that, if you can't have that sort of clarity in choice for now and forever, then sorry, maybe I'm not the right person for you. I know not many people can be 'fully sure,' but if I can be, I'd rather someone else, of the opposite gender, who can think that way too. But there are so many serious things I will very clearly discuss and make transparent with whoever it is, in the future. Because I need to know he will not run away the moment something serious comes up. Disloyalty of ANY KIND, disrespect of ANY KIND, dis attachment of ANY KIND, and doubt of ANY KIND, and I'm out.

Because of all that I've seen around me, in terms of relationships and especially romantic ones, I've just learnt to really respect myself fully, as an individual and human being and a girl. I actually value myself a lot, be it my heart, my emotions, my worth, my happiness, and I'm someone who very vigorously protects herself. And I don't mind doing that, because I know no one else will be looking out for me as passionately as I myself can, because there are just some things other cannot do. So yes, I love 'love,' and I really like fairytales, and I dream of ideal scenarios and would be so elated to have those, with someone, BUT I also will never disregard myself and my own mind and peace when it comes to these things. I am very certain of how I deserve to be treated, and if a man cannot promise me that very minimum requirement, sorry, I will not sign up to hurt myself. That is my motto.

Aalu: Sam is my personal own therapist. Who I don't pay but still get quality content. I swear your a legend. 😭😭😭

Sam: I'm glad that my thoughts are helpful. Makes me really happy to know that they resonate. 😭

Aalu: They honestly do... they even motivate me to carry on doing with what I am. Because I should care more about what I deserve and not what others want.

Sam: Hundred percent. Never put your worth down. Ever. No matter what. Circumstances, misfortunes, difficult times, or even others constantly telling you that you're not enough should NEVER EVER make you question your own value. Because if you are alive and in the world today, it's because you deserve to be here. And you deserve every inch of goodness possible, but you got to learn to be your own cheerleader and your own advocate. You got to fight for what you deserve, as long as you can, and make it known, vocalize it, and express it. Because no, that's not being demanding, that's not being selfish, that's not being snobbish, and that's not being high maintenance. That's just being aware of your own feelings, your own happiness, and your own right to be peaceful. At the end of the day it's all about what brings you peace, and what makes you go to bed with a smile on your face, or without having a worry snatch away that sleep for the rest of eternity. You do what you have to do, to make sure you solidly that sort of sleep for yourself.

The Accused Victim

In societies where a woman's honor is treated like an asset, she is assaulted the most. She is mistreated, abused and raped. And even when she's the one dishonored, she is accused for what she faces. She is encouraged to forget the scars on her skin, the nasty fingers that have engraved their filth upon her soul, for if anyone knows people will look down upon her. She is coerced to stay silent, before the crime, during the crime and after the crime. And if the world finds out, she's forced to form a bond with the very man that has abused her. And if he doesn't no-one shall, let alone 'accept' her, they won't even let her 'live' in peace.

He is the one with the filthy glance and the demonic motives. She is the one to stay silent. She bears and bears till she can. Her crime being what? The fact that he is the one to eye her. If she defends herself or she doesn't, she is threatened and assaulted regardless. Yet if she tries to defend herself, her assault is labeled 'justified.' And she is the one decimated to the lowest level, for he laid a hand upon her.

Her age. Her identify. Her status. Nothing matters. She is a woman, that is all what is remembered. She is 'respectful' till she's 'dishonored' and once she is she's the one held accountable. Is this justice? Is this a woman's right?

And if she seeks justice, she's called out for raising her voice. Her voice is labeled the reason she's 'worthy' of this assault. Is this justice?

And if this isn't, then ask yourself. What would you do if a woman you knew was the victim?

To light a candle for a victim is easy. To save her from being plunged into a punishment for being victimized is the challenge. What would you do if it were about you?

Ladies Room — Episode 2: Consent & Harassment

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

In order to respect people's right of privacy, the names of the said individuals will be replaced with aliases.

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Eesha: But jokes aside and I know this is nothing to joke about so I apologise for the above meme. A lot of girls came out with their harrasement stories. A lot of men, known rapist were roaming around campus with privilege.  A lot of men who on the surface seemed feminist, spoke in favour of women, their stories were revealed. The entire process was emotionally draining because it really puts into question all male friendships one may have. A friend to you might be a harasser to another women.

That's it.

I am so proud of all the women who named and came forward with it.

And as much as I am glad these men are finally getting what they deserve, it also pains me to know just how how sexually frustrated disrespectul and utter scams these men are.

Yasmeen: This is so true...

I think there are some behaviors that are extremely uncomfortable but SO common that it even becomes difficult to identify let alone call them out for it. After as much as I've heard from some friends, I am glad that this is happening. It's bringing this awareness that I didn't even know I should have.

Eesha: Exactly. Because when men say that oh why didn't you say anything then. I just wanna tell them. When something like this happens your mind goes numb, you can't think you don't know what has happened. And that feeling they will never know.

Yasmeen: Yes. Even the thing with forced consents.

Eesha: Yess. Bro this consent. Many in Pakistan think consent only applies to sexual acts. I disagree. I feel men in Pakistan and otherwise also just don't understand consent and this goes way back then sexual activities. 

We have all been through this as women: 

Boy: let's watch a movie go for dinner etc

Girl: sorry I can't

Boy: no no no but why u don't trust me blah blah please please

Girl (still doesn't wanna but values friendship): ok. 

Now boys will say but u consented. Just want them to understand this guilt tripping constant nagging is not consent. Consent is accepting the initial no and moving the hell on. That's where it starts. That first no to a simple thing as tea should be taken as consent.

Yasmeen: Uff yesss. We have ALL been there.

Eesha: But men jusr can't. Like men have no concept of personal space. Anyhow. I've lost faith in men. One guy who openly speaks about how he notices women's ass he has even openly rated women's asses.

Yasmeen: Bro, same.

Eesha: A few girls asked him that this is not ok stop it. He with sheer confidence said: "you guys are the real hypocrites. I say it out loud and you get offended but 24/7 all boys are analyzing your body parts, just because they don't say it doesn't mean they are saints. I say it that makes me a better guy." 

And I was like wth. That is the problem the fact that you don't find the entire thought of act of analyzing body parts wrong is the problem. And you are justifying it by saying at least I say it out loud. Men just can't.

Yasmeen: LOL. Man. Just.

Eesha: When everyone was speaking this one guy sends me a message he is like I apologise if I ever invaded your personal space. And I am like ok that's acceptable he is saying sorry and realising his mistake. I walked him through how at times he was too much etc and made me feel uncomfortable thinking it would help him realise and he'll do better. The next message I get: "well, I am sorry to say I messaged a lot of girls and they all said I didn't. You are the only one who said yes so it's on you not me." And I was like wth.

Yasmeen: ....m

Eesha: Why are you even apologising if you don't realise. Just so I don't reveal your name? So you're not embarrassed about or sorry for what you did, you just don't want your image to be ruined. 

Yasmeen: God. So disappointing. And we are talking about top tier educated class. So rest of the population, God let's not even go there. 

Eesha: Yeah. Really weird.

Ladies Room — Episode 1: Morning Stroll

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this. 

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Sam: So every morning the path I take to walk, there is this older couple, maybe in their late 70s and every single day they come out to stroll with hand in hand by their sides, fingers interlocked, with both just looking at each other and talking, smiling. My heart just goes whoosh everyday because everyday it's the same pose, same feels and they are both just smiling so affectionately at each other. 😭

Aalu: 😭😭😭😭omg that's so cuteeee.

Me: It's too early in the morning for you too go on attacking around with fiction-gone-real.

Sam: Legit, everyday I expect there to be something different, like maybe there is some space between them while walking, or them not holding hands for a while, but nah, their sides are glued and the hand hold is not even the regular hand hold but every times it's the fingers interlocked one, with her other hand wrapped around his bicep area, and his other hand squeezing a stress ball, while they just have their faces close to one another, staring into each others' eyes and smiling and chatting like they just got married...I AM LIKE PLEASE WHAT IS THIS.

And because they are older, it's more like those fiction scenarios. 🤧

Me: Ma'am I just woke up. Can you NOT, it's too early. 😭

Sam: And it's also like they are lost in their own world while they are walking. They actually don't break the eye lock that easily, they just keep strolling, and I am the one who just steps to the side and gives them time to pass by...and inside I scream like a maniac awed by their cuteness.

Me: Nah I'm just imagining you having a hard time staying 'normal'. Man that's so adorable. 🤧

Sam: I do smile at them, EACH TIME, because I can't help it. Two days ago they were looking at some flowers, hands never leaving each other's. 😭

Me: I'm...oh shutup what AU is this? 🤧

Sam: That kind of casual and cute intimacy at this age just gives such a nice picture of how their younger life and life thus far might have been. They are so comfortable and loving with each other, as though it's habit. These are literally those high school sweethearts types who sustained so far because it was the giddy but pure kind of love I bet.

Aalu: 😭to Much for my heart. 

Me: Man I just finished reading an AU and now you come attacking and I'm oh...yeah you know. 😣

Sam: Absolute goals! Ahhh that kind of love, it's so so so so rare to see, especially when people get older. Most just have the kind of marriage where they have been sick and tired of each other since long, and then there is this kind. Where you are like, nah man, I JUST KNOW these two had so much love between them. So whenever I see those rare cases, my heart just bursts.

Me: Ah. What actually is disturbing is the fact that as much as this is all cute and stuff, it stands out this much...why? Because it's not the norm. That shit hurts man. 

Sam: EXACTLY! This! Why do you think we are going gaga over it, and why do you think we actually notice and remember it? Because we don't see it, almost ever. So when the very rare scenarios come up, it's the simplest of things but they stand out because we are so used to observing shit otherwise.

Me: THIS. Period. Ugh I really wish people learned to respect others, it's really as simple as that. Everything stems from that one word. It makes you a better human no matter to whom, how, when, where, why and in what sort of a relationship. The fact that this very thing lacks so badly explains a lot about how people fail to acknowledge the bonds they share in any capacity.

Sam: 💯💯💯💯💯 Another thing, desi culture legit shames and looks down upon the most simple and essential forms of showcase of intimacy, always it's sad. Like holding hands, or just looking at each other longingly. These are not 'sexual' stuff. It's just simple forms of expressions of care and love.

Me: They shame you for being a considerate, respectful and sensitive human. That's about it. Apparently dominance is so glorified that the fact that people could just look beyond stubborn ideals and be nice to each other is so RARE. It's really not about PDA. That's always a personal choice and not everyone is comfortable with that. They bring in culture and I'm like sure, even though you as a third person have no right to say anything between two people, sure I understand that to overstep a cultural boundary could be upsetting for you. BUT it's simple as this, it's an excuse. You could be simply a better human to your partner and they'd label you spineless. And for what? For being just caring and expressive. If you have a personal choice to dislike it, others can have a personal choice to like it. They lace it in humour just to keep it less controversial, but that actually makes the mockery more acceptable. And I'm saying this regardless of gender norms. Men get called stuff that makes it seem like they've no 'fake masculinity' if they're a gentle person. Women get called stuff that makes them believe, you need to be intimidated by him 24*7. And the way they bring the Adam Eve creation story and references of who's to "look out" for who. I'm sorry but care and protectiveness have no gender. They come out of genuine affection and that's how it should be taken. Unfortunately it's not. Unfortunately it's associated to gender roles and gender norms that make you forget your partner is a human first and your partner later. You should not be doing something just because they're your partner or not. Your intentions need to be organic, or what's even the point of it all then?

Sam: Ugh ALL OF THIS, just the truth!!

Belief & Beyond

From parts of a conversation I recently had with a close group, an extracted version of my take on it.

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Imagine I'm already so loud about such topics and yet there are things I've never said because I know if I did...I would have been declared blasphemous or something.

I am not the best practicing Muslim but I also don't agree with the way our culture treats religion.

Religion is a way of life, not blind allegiance. We don't teach people how to live, instead we impose regulations. That was not the reason why Allah sent literally any messenger. Mankind was supposed to learn and be better humans, as a creation of God and to other humans. The world does the EXACT opposite for literally every religion out there.

As a Muslim Islam is above all for me. But as someone who's entire set of religious practices stem from logical understanding and humanitarian grounds, I disagree with the way people view religions in general. Also the way Muslims forget that one thing we were all taught in school, rights of mankind are placed even above rights of God, because for His rights He makes the choice to punish or forgive, but for a human you hurt, it is their decision to forgive you and until they do so, even Allah will not. When people like me say, humanity above all, it's really funny how we're called as those operating lives on western ideals when this is literally one of the core Islamic beliefs beyond these obvious major doctrines. When I see someone who read this in school just like me, completely disregarding humanity, I am left to wonder how they studied Islam because we all took the same class, same book, same concepts...then how did they manage to forget such a major teaching, rights of mankind and humanity above all.

No one has the same faith and no two people of the same religion have identical beliefs too. But the society makes a list of generally accepted obligatory principles that you are made to comply with without logical reasoning included because they're labeled essential rules and everything else that religion teaches you is ignored.

When in essence, every religion teaches you two things 1) way of life 2) humanity, that is unless of course they aren't corrupted but mankind has corrupted them.

Islam teaches you two additional things 1) why Islam is the final acceptable form or religious practice 2) you are answerable to no-one but God.

In reality, there are no best practicing people of any faith and yet people of every faith have a faction with this superiority complex and lack of humanity in the heart.

Why? Because of the way religious pedagogy is structured by our society.

Allah has told us what is right and wrong. Every generation has the duty of teaching values. But not to be the judge on earth. In the end, if someone doesn't follow the right path, my duty as an elder, guardian, school, government...etc. was to educate them, not to forcefully make them practice. If they choose to not practice, then it is between Allah and the said individual.

But what does our society do:
1) teach religion like a matter of blind allegiance without actual 'education and learning'
2) hold people accountable when they fail to meet standards, even though the only one who has the authority to be the judge is Allah himself

I am not the best practicing Muslim, but I know my duties and my limits. Anything taught by force is not religious education, it is simply instilling a fundamentalist mindset and agenda.

That being said, I apologize to anyone who may not like anything I said above. I'll be answerable to Allah for that.