Bite your tongue, don’t say a word. Your voice isn’t supposed to be ever heard. Don’t shut yourself away, don’t you dare flinch. Your emotions are what makes their (men) hearts cringe. Chant this day and night, and believe me, you will already be past some of the main stages of becoming the perfect South Asian woman. Incorporate these ideas into your daily life, make them your mantras. Follow them, like to follow them is the sole way to survive. Believe me, you have already made quite a good start at embracing the values of the South Asian women.
The land of the 8 nations: India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Nepal, Bhutan, Maldives and Sri Lanka, is where you will trace the origin of one of the strongest codes of conduct followed by women in the world; “the unnamed code”. As ironic as it may seem that this code has no certain name for its recognition, as true is the fact that this code does exist. The main rules of this conduct are the same for most of the situations in life. Silence of women on the atrocities they face, is one of the ways these women abide by these set of rules, since silence is the cornerstone of this code. It dictates that a woman does not have the right to rebel. Other rules include the acceptance of the concept of inferiority with regards to comparison with the opposite gender, giving up the right to make choices, living life in accordance with the decisions people make for you, recognizing that a woman has no right to complain, conforming to certain ideals etc.
The following examples from the different stages of a hypothetical female’s life in this region are products of either rules of the conduct itself, or the different ways it influences the lives of females in the form of atrocities, or acts of discrimination. At almost each stage in the girl’s life, statistical evidences from different South Asian countries will be presented, as evidences to show the observance of the rules of the conduct in the entire region. This shall cause a transition from how the conduct affects the girl’s life to the life of women in general. But before that, it is important to consider the general beliefs of the people in South Asia, and to understand if it is these beliefs that are the reason behind the existence of this covenant and its effects. It is also important to recognize the zones where this conduct is more effectual and why, and to trace a history of oppression in the region. The history can be considered one of the reasons these people negate the concept of the right of freedom, and choose to oppress women, the gender they consider weak.
South Asia, the land that predominantly is that of the followers of Hinduism, followed by Islam, Sikhism, Buddhism, Christianity and a minute fraction of other religions, is widely known for its residents’ strong affiliation with their religious values. These values are known to majorly influence the beliefs of these people. It is the land of those where Hindus worship goddesses, and where Muslims believe paradise lies beneath the feet of their mothers. The latter is theoretically a way of conveying the message that to obey the mother, is to be able to secure a place for yourself in heaven, which signifies the status of mothers for the Muslim population of this region. Invariably the holy scriptures of all religions followed in South Asia, including Buddhists, Sikhs, Christians and others, preach equality, or at least speak for the rights of women. South Asians claim in all sorts of ways that they are highly devoted to their religions. But these devotees are only devoted to certain parts of their religions. The parts that speak for the rights of women are mostly the ones they completely disregard. Their beliefs guide them to respect women or even treat them as equals; their actions as stated later, are in complete opposition to these beliefs.
It would be wrong to say that every South Asian woman is highly suppressed, but it wouldn’t be wrong to say a great deal of women belonging to this part of the continent, still face major forms of oppression. Most of these women belong to the rural areas of these countries, while many parts of the conduct apply to those living in the urban areas too. The code is enforced more strictly in impoverished regions where insufficient educational facilities make it easier to overpower women who are unaware of their rights. These nations, former British colonies (apart from Nepal and Bhutan), are now free from slavery, but have inherited the desire to rule from their former rulers. This desire amongst men (who have formerly served as slaves), is why they overpower those that they consider weak in comparison to themselves, women, and follow the system of patriarchy. Here the role of women is defined within such definite boundaries that it is impossible for these women to cross over them.
The moment a girl is born in South Asia, the first decision regarding her life is made. The decision about whether she shall be permitted to even live or not. Yes, this conduct doesn’t only guide a female how to lead her life; it also guides her about whether she even has the right to live. This forms the first part of the commands that state: others should make decisions for her at every step of her life, she is not empowered enough to make them on her own. It also forms the first impact she may encounter, the first atrocity she may face, as a result of that first decision made. With reference to this decision, it may also be the last atrocity she will ever face. A baby girl, of course, cannot make the choice to live or not, but then again this act signifies how the fate of these women lies in the hands of others. In India, the most populous country of the region, the figures of female infanticide are alarming. Dean Nelson, a respected editor and journalist notes in a 2012 Telegraph article that, “India is the most dangerous place in the world to be born a girl, with females almost twice as likely to die before reaching the age of five, according to the new UN figures (Nelson)”. Some more figures about female infanticide, obtained from The Lancet (one of the oldest and widely known U.K. based medical journals founded in 1823), BBC (a widely acclaimed news channel) and UNICEF are stated below.
The Lancet estimates that 500,000 female foetuses are aborted in India every year. As a result according to the BBC, “an estimated 25-50 million women in India are ‘missing’, if you compare the proportion of women in the population with other countries.” Staggeringly, UNICEF believes 10 million girls, were killed by their parents in the last thirty years (Peebles).
Graham Peebles, the author of this article, is a journalist who works at the Counterpunch, a bi-monthly political magazine published in the U.S. He is also the founder of Create Trust that works for the education of women and children. The figures Peebles states here are indeed ones that don’t shock anyone who has been familiar with the history of genocide in the country, and is likely to believe that our hypothetical girl can become a victim of the same situation. But that doesn’t shun the fact that despite all the efforts made by the government, international organizations and human’s right activists, the issue is still at a stage where it certainly cannot be ignored.
If the girl survives, life onwards is not a bed of roses just because she was not chosen to be murdered. The decision regarding her existence in this world was only the first part of the conduct. Fortunately if she clears the first stage without ending up in a grave, her life is itself destined to become hell. Escaped death? Great! Now the girl will be handed over to her mother, who will hover upon her throughout her life, monitor each of her actions and strictly ensure they abide by the covenant. It’s her responsibility to do so, the code orders her to. This is the worst part of this “unnamed code”, the fact that the guardians it has are majorly women themselves, beginning with the girl’s mother. According to its rules, it is the responsibility of women themselves to ensure that all other females abide by it.
If the girl is lucky enough to have a sibling of the opposite gender, she is “blessed” with the opportunity to face discrimination right from the start. Even if she doesn’t have one, she still faces the same circumstances; the existence of a male sibling just makes it easier for her to engulf this feeling of inferiority. The rules strictly dictate some gender roles and limitations; she like every other female should conform to them. Discrimination of course comes as a side effect, but who is concerned about that? No one. From the food she is fed, to the clothes she wears, and even the toys she plays with, she will always receive the thing that is inferior to what her sibling receives. She is made to understand gender roles even when she barely understands the definition of gender itself. She is a girl, she is to play with dolls, and sometimes she is too only play the games where she cooks, washes and irons, things girls are “supposed” to do. She is to listen to the commands defined by her brother, even within the game. She cannot take charge, it is against the rules. At an age where she merely understands she is different from her brother, she is constantly treated differently. Her brother is allowed to play outside, but for her it is important to remain hidden, to stay indoors. For her to ever step outside her house, it is vital for her to be guarded by her brother, mother or father, and in the later stage of her life, her husband. Without them she shouldn’t even think of stepping out alone. God forbid if she ever complains, her mother tells her to lower her voice, her father shouldn’t hear her “rant for equal treatment”. There you go; her mother has successfully made her pass through the first stage of her life, ensuring she doesn’t go against the commands. Notice how the girl is still too young to even understand the meaning of the word “conduct” itself.
The girl is now growing up; her elder brother has already been admitted to school. But the girl? No, she is to grow up to become a housewife and to raise kids. Why does she even need education? She needs to learn to run the house, and nothing more. That is what the code states is necessary for her, and it is enough. According to a report by the non-profit organization Alif Ailaan Foundation Pakistan, that was founded in 2013, and is working for the educational cause in the country, girls constitute for 55% of the total “out-of-school-children” in the country. Out of this value of 55%, 34% account for the category of girls not permitted to attend school by their own parents based on their willingness (Naz). Of all the other reasons presented as hindrances in the report, it should be noticed here how the matters such as of education being expensive, or the schools being too far, are considered more problematic for the girl, than for a boy. These are the same reasons that are stated when the girl questions this rule of “education not being important for females” for being a part of the code. A major percentage of girls are left with no opportunity to receive education. Another job well done by the parents at taming their girl to only stick to her role in the household, most importantly the mother. Her mother may have not received education herself, and be fully aware of the difference it has made in her life, yet she doesn’t choose to support her daughter. That’s the spirit of women; they fall in ditches and stay silent when they witness another woman tracing her steps to fall down in another one, together they all stick to the conduct.
Now if the girl went to school, she at least got one of her rights. And if she didn’t, then very well, she was stripped off by that one opportunity too. Either way, as the girl grows up she will be told to perform household chores as a part of her training to become a housewife. Her mother ensures she turns out to be the girl that is a source of “pride” for the family. Yes, apparently the mother here takes pride in chaining her daughter with gender roles, rather than empowering her enough to stand up for herself. Failure at complying with the code means, being constantly reminded by her mother that she isn’t “marriage material”, something the rules define as a female’s ultimate goal. Here it is important to understand that guiding the girl to learn these skills isn’t wrong, but the discrimination that indicates how these activities are only believed to be for the girl is. At a later stage in life where the girl’s brother will be allowed to work, she is to still restrict herself to household chores. According to the international financial institution World Bank’s statistics for female labor force participation rate for 181 countries in 2014, Afghanistan ranks 176 and also technically the last in its region with a rate of only 15.9% (Female Labor Force Participation - Country Rankings). This value is understandable as the estimated literacy rates gathered by the U.S government institution CIA in 2015 state Afghanistan’s literacy rate for women to be 24.2% (The World Factbook). The differences between the two values explain how despite receiving education, women like our theoretical girl are majorly forced to stay indoors and run households. Their responsibility towards the code is deemed more important than their freedom.
The next issue the girl may face in the form of rules of the code is child marriage. The rules prescribe that females should be married off as soon as possible. Some consider this “soon” aspect of the rule to be important to such an extent that they even go for child marriages. According to a 118 page report by the international NGO Human Rights Watch, “Nepal has the third-highest rate of child marriage in Asia, with 37 percent of girls marrying before age 18, and 10 percent before 15, though the minimum age of marriage for both women and men is 20 under Nepali law (Nepal: Child Marriage Threatens Girls’ Futures)”.
With marriage, child marriage is not the only issue the girl is likely face that can trace its roots to the conduct. Nepal along with all the other countries in this region faces a major issue called dowry. Dowry, the act of giving the daughter cash or other belongings in the form of gifts, was initially one that was offered to the bride-to-be by her parents, by choice, but with time this has become a demand of both the groom and his family. Dowry has become a part of the code too. This rule is not directly followed by the girl. But it is her job to remain silent, to not complain, even about any atrocity. She lets her parents spend all their earnings on this marriage. Saying a word against it may just lead to the marriage being cancelled, and then no one shall choose to marry her. Dowry is the price she has to pay in order to acquire marital status, the price her parents pay the price to get “rid” of their daughter. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that this matter can be related to the act of selling girls into marriage. Roshan Kumar and Barkha Jha, two human rights lawyers in their article published in The Rising Nepal (a local Nepali newspaper) state: “Firstly, the marriage arrangements and then the demand for huge amounts of dowry make the parents financially very weak. Because of the dowry system, people do not want to have a baby girl in the southern part of Nepal (Jha)”. Despite dowry being declared illegal in the country and in most of the others in the region, the matter still persists. Dowry is idealized as a form of the girl representing herself as willing to look after her future family.
Silence and blindness towards what is wrong are the keys to conform to this conduct. Before this marriage takes place, it is customary for the groom and his family to visit the girl’s house. What the bride-to-be goes through at this stage of her life is a perfect example of the rule that states that women have to conform to a certain ideal standard. It is customary for the girl to enter the lounge with a tray laden with all sorts of delicious snacks. The mother specifically mentions that these were all cooked by her daughter, in order for her to seem as the perfect chef for the new household, exactly what the code defines as her role. The groom and his family feast upon the food, while they judgmentally stare at her in order to evaluate if she is marriage material or not. She will be judged upon everything, from her looks to her speech, to her culinary skills, and her adeptness at performing other household tasks. She is to remain silent and only reply to any questions. Speaking up other than that is against the rules. She is to look down at her hands that rest in her lap. The part of her clothing that covers her head should not slip. She is not allowed to move much more than a robot that requires commands, the more robotic the daughter seems, the more cultured she is believed to be. The more obedient she looks, and the more traditional her values seem, specially based on her attire and skills, the more staunch follower of the “unnamed code” and “housewife material” she seems to be. Even after all that she does, the groom and his family are free to reject her. Rejection in itself is a cause of defamation for the family. It is something the girl and her mother both fear. The mother fears it for it will embarrass her in front of her husband for not raising her daughter in accordance with the code. For the girl it means to face abuse at the hands of her mother too, since she failed to abide by the conduct, and thus was rejected.
If the marriage doesn’t take place, the girl is left to live in her parent’s house for a few more months or years. Here again the girl’s mother will resume her efforts of forcing her daughter to adapt the ways of the code. She will be lectured about how she sits, if she works then about her job, the friends she has, how she dresses, how she carries herself, how loud she speaks, how she speaks and even how much she speaks. If she’s dark-skinned, she is forced to apply all sorts of allopathic and homeopathic face packs, creams and lotions on her face, anything that makes her seem fairer. Sri Lanka like all the other countries in this region is greatly obsessed with the idea of fairness, the girl becomes a victim of this obsession. Navodinee Wickramanayake, a youth correspondent at the UNDP in Sri Lanka, in her article published in Roar (a youth led media platform) states: “There is a gross underrepresentation of darker skinned individuals in popular culture in Sri Lanka. Even in instances where these individuals are of a darker skin tone, there is often extensive photoshopping and editing carried out to “fix” this (Wickramanayake)”. If the girl is healthy she will be guided to starve herself to attain the perfect attractive figure. Her mother will try every tactic to ensure her daughter fully conforms by the ideal standards of beauty, as dictated by the code. The conduct is her key to marriage and acceptance in the society.
A female is to be silent even when she is being targeted, that has been stated earlier too. This is a decree the girl’s mother constantly reminds her of. The result of this silence takes its worst shape when the girl is told to remain silent even when she is being harassed; our hypothetical girl is likely to face such a situation too. Stop Street Harassment (a non-profit organization) states, “The Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics (a government institution) and United Nations Population Fund (a UN organization) surveyed 12,600 women across the country in 2014 and most said they regularly face sexual harassment in their daily lives. About 43% said public spaces were the spot where they experienced it the most (Stop Street Harassment)”. The authority that these rules provide to men to choose to treat women as they wish, dictates women to conform to the idea that men are superior in comparison to them. These atrocities against females like our theoretical girl include those as severe as acid attacks and rape cases. Facing sexual harassment is not the only problem they face; they are forced to stay silent on the matter, due to the idea that speaking up this will only bring “bad name” and “shame” to the girl and her family. This evolves from the idea that when the attacker has no other explanation for his act, he raises allegations on the female’s character. In a region like South Asia where women’s honour is considered a big issue, silence is observed, even over atrocities, in order to protect the female’s dignity. If our hypothetical girl encounters a similar situation, she will be instructed to remain silent too. Jane Merrick a respected columnist in her article published in The Independent states, “The Maldivian government's own figures show that one in three women between the ages of 15 and 49 have suffered physical or sexual abuse over the past five years (Merrick)”.
The marriage may have not taken place earlier, but the parents of the girl don’t let this situation last long, since the rules dictate them to marry her off soon. Once the girl is married the abuse doesn’t end, it amplifies. The role her mother had in her own household, to constantly remind the girl that she is the one who needs to remain silent and practice patience, is now taken up by her mother-in-law. The mother-in-law along with other women of the society have such strong believes about the limitations of the girl and the treatment she deserves for stepping out of the limits of the conduct, that they forcefully do not let her cross those boundaries. Sarawati Sundas, a freelance journalist for the Thomson Reuters Foundation (a U.S. registered charity foundation) and World Is One News states, “A survey from Bhutan's National Statistics Bureau revealed that 68 percent of Bhutanese women believe a man is justified in beating his wife if she neglects the children, argues with her husband, refuses sex or burns the dinner (Sundas)”. This is an evidence of the obscure beliefs of women themselves, who in accordance with the code ensure no other female violates it. These beliefs are the reason many women in Bhutan constantly become the victim of domestic violence, such as Sonam mentioned below, a woman whose story Sundas covered in her article. Our theoretical girl is likely to end up in a situation like Sonam too.
Sonam Zangmo endured abuse at the hands of her husband for two years before finally walking out on him after the birth of her daughter." He used to lay his hands on me at every opportunity," said the 28-year-old Bhutanese woman, who is now bringing up her daughter, 6, alone." There were no better options," said Zangmo. "I want my daughter to have a good life." But without drastic changes in attitudes toward women in the tiny Himalayan nation wedged between China and India, it is likely her daughter will also suffer domestic abuse (Sundas).
From here onwards the story traces back to the point where the girl (now a married female) is dictated to give birth to a male child. The code dictates that it is a female’s job to provide her husband with someone to carry on his name, and that baby should be a boy. Yes, the code is enforced in pregnancy too. These people do not even consider the fact that she has no authority over her child’s sex. For them the rule is all they are bothered about. If she give’s birth to a female child, the new female baby may become a victim of female infanticide, the details of which have been stated earlier. She, the mother herself, may also face mistreatment for being deemed incapable to give birth to a boy. The freelance photojournalist Gethin Chamberlain, who has exclusive experience regarding covering South Asia (specifically India), quotes hands on experience of the background stories of female infanticide in his article in published in The Guardian. Rekha, whose story is quoted below, is just one of the women whose stories he covered. Our girl is likely to go through a similar circumstance too.
The birth of Rekha's second daughter should have been one of the happiest days of her life. Instead, she lay on the bed of her home on the outskirts of Delhi, the newborn child on the floor, screaming in terror as her mother-in-law poured paraffin over her. This was her punishment, the older woman said, preparing to strike a match: Rekha had failed again to deliver a son and it would be better for everyone if she were dead. (Chamberlain)
Rekha is not the only victim of such an occurring, there are uncountable others, many of these acts go unreported. Here it is important to highlight that female infanticide may not always be initiated by another female, as in the case of Rekha. But the refusal of other women to stand for the unborn or infant girls, and their choice to fulfill their responsibilities towards the conduct, has only made the matter worse. From the birth of the girl to this point, all the matters in between successfully summarize some of the rules and their impacts. The unjust effects don’t end there, but this stage of the girl’s life marks the last time the commands majorly impact her life. The rules of the code listed here and the examples of how it affects the life of women in South Asia, basically constitute for only a small share of the reality. Even in the modern day, life for many women in these regions has not changed much from the extent of these so-called laws imposed upon them. The belief is that these are the customs of the society and so one must abide by them, but the question is who made these customs? False religious references are also quoted in order to overpower women, but the fact is most of the limitations have no religious background at all. The word religion is used in order to create a fear amongst women, so that these religious devotees never rebel.
The “unnamed code” has ruled the lives of these women for centuries, and with the current pace of women empowerment, nothing can be expected to change dramatically, at least not soon. Females threaten each other to abide by these regulations, out of fear as to how males may react, if they hear of any form of disobedience. This ideology in itself is a self-created fear; if all women were to recognize their rights and support each other to attain them, no man could dare to come in their way. But the matter is they do not choose to do so. They feel the pain and yet inflict it upon another woman. Any change relies on that fact if these women denounce the code themselves. For these shackles to break, it is these women who will have to take the first step. Feminism is a widely recognized campaign that helps women defy this code, but the fact that this movement receives backlash from women themselves, explains how much the gender is united in the effort to abolish the code. Without the acceptance of this new ideology by the victims themselves, countless more centuries may pass and nothing shall change.
Works Cited
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Jha, Roshan Kumar and Barkha Jha. “Dowry System A Curse”. therisingnepal.org http://therisingnepal.org .np/news/12207 Accessed 11 November 2016.
Merrick, Jane. “Britons urged to boycott Maldives over sexist laws”. independent.co.uk 6 July 2013 http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/britons-urged-to-boycott-maldives-over-sexist- laws-8692603.html Accessed 11 November 2016.
Naz, Saman and Firuza Pastakia. “25 Million Broken Promises, The Crisis of Pakistan’s Out-Of-School Children”. Alifailaan.pk https://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/alifailaan/pages/540/attachments /original/1415950791/25_million_broken_promises_-_Summary-lowres.pdf?1415950791. Accessed 11 November 2016.
Nelson, Dean. “India 'most dangerous place in world to be born a girl”. thetelegraph.co.uk 01 February. 2012. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/9054429/India-most-dangerous- place-in-world-to-be-born-a-girl.html. Accessed 11 November 2016.
“Nepal: Child Marriage Threatens Girls’ Futures”. hrw.org 8 September 2016. https://www.hrw.org/news /2016/09/08/nepal-child-marriage-threatens-girls-futures. Accessed 11 November 2016.
Peebles, Graham. “The Tragedy of Being a Girl in India”. counterpunch.org 30 January 2015. http://www.counterpunch.org/2015/01/30/the-tragedy-of-being-a-girl-in-india/ Accessed 11 November 2016.
“Statistics – The Prevalence of Street Harassment”. stopstreetharassment.org http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/statistics-academic-studies/ Accessed 11 November 2016.
Sundas, Sarawati. “Bhutan tackles violence against women for "refusing sex, burning the dinner". newstrust.org 23 March 2016. http://news.trust.org/item/20160323010305-5vbzj/ Accessed 11 November 2016.
“The World Factbook”. cia.gov https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-worldfactbook/fields/2103 .html#136. Accessed 11 November 2016.
Wickramanayake, Navodinee. “It’s High Time Sri Lanka Took On Colourism ‒ And Here’s Why”. roar.lk 12 April 2016 http://roar.lk/lifestyle-arts/high-time-sri-lanka-took-colourism/ Accessed 11 November 2016.
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