23

Perhaps in the darkest of times do we discover the light within. The sparks that we expect to go flying, come from nowhere else but the attics of our own hearts. The dark can be deceptive and yet protective, if one finds comfort in shutting out everything. And solitude is by no means man’s enemy, it’s a precious possession of mystic minds, but a source of repression for the anxious kind.

Must we find solace in spreading wings in highlands, we should not intend to chase away ourselves to a no man’s land. Rather find serenity and serendipity in pursuing the path of perception of our concealed selves and the workings of that mind, out in the open and yet away. To wander off into fields of knee high grass, should be our illusionary form of teleportation of the soul. The lights must only be out, so that the figure curled into a ball sinks into the abyss of discovering themselves, and the sparks following an unthinkably long yearning. Close doors upon all, not so to escape from the realm of reality, but to hear closely the sounds that are only audible when silence prevails. The sounds of organisms ignored for their insignificance, for they remind you of the existence of the little things we often forget. And that of the organ of the greatest significance. Listen to the beats of the fist sized heart that metaphorically holds a myriad of emotions. When one worries for if any other beats for them, recall that the one in you does and that your existence is for no-one but yourself, so place yourself on the highest pedestal of concern. Then let all else follow closely but still behind.

Expression is a variant form of art that bottles up all that has been bottled in for long. Ties a vintage or exquisite ribbon or bow, then ships it off to the mercy of whoever finds, what they choose to see and what they choose to believe may not always match what was intended, but that is the beauty of expression. The one sealing the bottles pours in their own, the one pulling out the cork feels their own. And comfort, cognizance and choice, all alter understandings of the messages wrapped up on the antique parchments. 

Perhaps this is my bottle, and both the one tying tiny ribbons or getting them undone is just ones self after all. Perhaps just like the ink was set free from the pen to adorn parchments till they were wrapped and trapped in bottles to be sent off to their destination, I too unleash thoughts in the black but with the only difference of these bottles having no destination to reach. Perhaps times have changed and ways have altered but the one who pens still condenses conversations, scenarios and fragments of imagination in twisted ways to tell tales untold, words that haven’t escaped lips in their true forms.

Perhaps some find solace in direct accounts of their day to day encounters, while for me that has been an endless struggle, discontinued too often too. Penning down was a passion and a form of venting out. But an indirect escape of abstract extractions seemed more comforting and fruitful than simply keeping a diary. A dump of thoughts with no patterns or parameters. I found comfort in putting things together in that form, and it still continues to be the case. Often when something bugs me to an extent that I would probably want to but not choose to speak to anyone, I have a little one-sided conversation with a blank sheet of paper. Imbalances in sanity or psychological states are still very much stigmatized. The level of comfort found in sinking into a conversation with an absolute stranger sometimes seems more ideal than with someone we’ve known. But that too is misinterpreted as something highly insignificant. Then this one-sided conversation comes in handy. It becomes a way to vent without being looked down upon and without any other consequences than realizing your own ways to grow. Penning was never a profession rather a passion, so I let it be just that and not anything more. To me it is just another form of art, stands out to be different from most but it’s uniqueness only makes it more special.

Life is a rollercoaster ride where ups and downs are the norm, it’s only when the pace of transition increases that the stomach begins to churn. Over the years I’ve experienced things that have impacted who I am and well no impact is always and completely good and for the best. But I’ve spent time deducing the best of it, often putting it or my mental debate into words so it helps ponder further. So much goes on with oneself, and not all of it is always positive but one can only try to constantly aim that it is.

As I turn 23 and finally look forward to graduation this academic year, I look forward to settling into a new life, hopefully one that enables me to explore more and find newer escape routes to get lost in the beauty of this world rather than the concealed basements of the past. Things have changed overtime and whether for the good or otherwise, they’ve taught me an ample lot. Lessons that will go on with me for life, weaknesses that I can work upon, strengths that I can make my forte. There is a very long way to go, a lot to experience and a lot to ponder upon and deduce from. Yet with around five weeks to another year of my life being over, I intend to reach a personal goal by then. You can’t alter things that are attached to you if you have no control over them. But you can choose to focus on either the good or bad or both. What seems best is too focus on what brings a smile and for anything that causes a frown to form, focus on the goodness in that, the little positivity or the positive lesson that follows it. But don’t let your mind wander off onto the negativities it can’t tame. 

As kiddish as it may sound, I don’t jump on the bandwagon of New Year’s resolution, but each year before I grow older, I set a target to achieve. Either something by that date or a year from it. This time my first goal is to achieve something by that date, learn to move ahead without overthinking about the negativity attached. Optimism is healthy, but it not being followed by pessimistic thoughts rather it becoming the end result of the project sounds more ideal, so that is what I shall do. To not speak or ponder over what brings one down, but use all of it to paint the same with genuinely optimistic paint. It is not to say one forget what brings them down but rather one can choose to not think of it and aim to rise above and beyond. It is not to say that the mind may never wander off in thoughts, may never find ones self at the back of a deserted damp and dark room. But it is to say that one must try to think of everything else so overthinking over the things where they have no control is the last thing on the schedule. I aim to focus upon who I am as a person. That is not to say I need to alter myself to fit in a mold, but how I can better myself. Someone once said to me, thorns will always out number roses but that doesn’t reduce their significance and status. Those who care were, are and will always be a bunch so to wonder what’s wrong with ones self because the herd against you looks bigger is a toxic approach that will only bring you down further. Focus on the fact that some hung along and even though they too may have issues from you, they’re still there. To love yourself is probably the toughest but to know you’re loved is important, because those people are the ones who matter, the hands that you shouldn’t let go off and the only souls who should be able to change you, for the better.

Often putting my thoughts into words is a way of making myself relearn the relatively thoughtful things I can think of at the spur of the moment. Away of reassuring myself that sanity still prevails in my crackhead self and so even though things may end up messed up enough to form a curled ball in a corner because of the curve balls life throws, to stay their or to jump up shall be my call. It can be challenging to value without comparison, but it is needed. It can be challenging to settle for little love but it’s truer love so it is needed. It can be challenging to see the light through darkness but it is needed so watch out for every spark. Life isn’t euphoric for anyone, but find what makes you feel like you’re in utopia. Even if you end up mentally debating about why not everyone gets the same type and size share of it. Remind yourself that to be blessed is not to have the best, but to experience what it is to be with the ones honest to your soul. Invest in bondings without expecting returns and I promise you would’ve already found what leaves you on cloud nine. Promise yourself to not chase down alleys behind a light, be your own light and life will feel lighter.