The Accused Victim

In societies where a woman's honor is treated like an asset, she is assaulted the most. She is mistreated, abused and raped. And even when she's the one dishonored, she is accused for what she faces. She is encouraged to forget the scars on her skin, the nasty fingers that have engraved their filth upon her soul, for if anyone knows people will look down upon her. She is coerced to stay silent, before the crime, during the crime and after the crime. And if the world finds out, she's forced to form a bond with the very man that has abused her. And if he doesn't no-one shall, let alone 'accept' her, they won't even let her 'live' in peace.

He is the one with the filthy glance and the demonic motives. She is the one to stay silent. She bears and bears till she can. Her crime being what? The fact that he is the one to eye her. If she defends herself or she doesn't, she is threatened and assaulted regardless. Yet if she tries to defend herself, her assault is labeled 'justified.' And she is the one decimated to the lowest level, for he laid a hand upon her.

Her age. Her identify. Her status. Nothing matters. She is a woman, that is all what is remembered. She is 'respectful' till she's 'dishonored' and once she is she's the one held accountable. Is this justice? Is this a woman's right?

And if she seeks justice, she's called out for raising her voice. Her voice is labeled the reason she's 'worthy' of this assault. Is this justice?

And if this isn't, then ask yourself. What would you do if a woman you knew was the victim?

To light a candle for a victim is easy. To save her from being plunged into a punishment for being victimized is the challenge. What would you do if it were about you?

Ladies Room — Episode 2: Consent & Harassment

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

In order to respect people's right of privacy, the names of the said individuals will be replaced with aliases.

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Eesha: But jokes aside and I know this is nothing to joke about so I apologise for the above meme. A lot of girls came out with their harrasement stories. A lot of men, known rapist were roaming around campus with privilege.  A lot of men who on the surface seemed feminist, spoke in favour of women, their stories were revealed. The entire process was emotionally draining because it really puts into question all male friendships one may have. A friend to you might be a harasser to another women.

That's it.

I am so proud of all the women who named and came forward with it.

And as much as I am glad these men are finally getting what they deserve, it also pains me to know just how how sexually frustrated disrespectul and utter scams these men are.

Yasmeen: This is so true...

I think there are some behaviors that are extremely uncomfortable but SO common that it even becomes difficult to identify let alone call them out for it. After as much as I've heard from some friends, I am glad that this is happening. It's bringing this awareness that I didn't even know I should have.

Eesha: Exactly. Because when men say that oh why didn't you say anything then. I just wanna tell them. When something like this happens your mind goes numb, you can't think you don't know what has happened. And that feeling they will never know.

Yasmeen: Yes. Even the thing with forced consents.

Eesha: Yess. Bro this consent. Many in Pakistan think consent only applies to sexual acts. I disagree. I feel men in Pakistan and otherwise also just don't understand consent and this goes way back then sexual activities. 

We have all been through this as women: 

Boy: let's watch a movie go for dinner etc

Girl: sorry I can't

Boy: no no no but why u don't trust me blah blah please please

Girl (still doesn't wanna but values friendship): ok. 

Now boys will say but u consented. Just want them to understand this guilt tripping constant nagging is not consent. Consent is accepting the initial no and moving the hell on. That's where it starts. That first no to a simple thing as tea should be taken as consent.

Yasmeen: Uff yesss. We have ALL been there.

Eesha: But men jusr can't. Like men have no concept of personal space. Anyhow. I've lost faith in men. One guy who openly speaks about how he notices women's ass he has even openly rated women's asses.

Yasmeen: Bro, same.

Eesha: A few girls asked him that this is not ok stop it. He with sheer confidence said: "you guys are the real hypocrites. I say it out loud and you get offended but 24/7 all boys are analyzing your body parts, just because they don't say it doesn't mean they are saints. I say it that makes me a better guy." 

And I was like wth. That is the problem the fact that you don't find the entire thought of act of analyzing body parts wrong is the problem. And you are justifying it by saying at least I say it out loud. Men just can't.

Yasmeen: LOL. Man. Just.

Eesha: When everyone was speaking this one guy sends me a message he is like I apologise if I ever invaded your personal space. And I am like ok that's acceptable he is saying sorry and realising his mistake. I walked him through how at times he was too much etc and made me feel uncomfortable thinking it would help him realise and he'll do better. The next message I get: "well, I am sorry to say I messaged a lot of girls and they all said I didn't. You are the only one who said yes so it's on you not me." And I was like wth.

Yasmeen: ....m

Eesha: Why are you even apologising if you don't realise. Just so I don't reveal your name? So you're not embarrassed about or sorry for what you did, you just don't want your image to be ruined. 

Yasmeen: God. So disappointing. And we are talking about top tier educated class. So rest of the population, God let's not even go there. 

Eesha: Yeah. Really weird.

Ladies Room — Episode 1: Morning Stroll

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this. 

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Sam: So every morning the path I take to walk, there is this older couple, maybe in their late 70s and every single day they come out to stroll with hand in hand by their sides, fingers interlocked, with both just looking at each other and talking, smiling. My heart just goes whoosh everyday because everyday it's the same pose, same feels and they are both just smiling so affectionately at each other. 😭

Aalu: 😭😭😭😭omg that's so cuteeee.

Me: It's too early in the morning for you too go on attacking around with fiction-gone-real.

Sam: Legit, everyday I expect there to be something different, like maybe there is some space between them while walking, or them not holding hands for a while, but nah, their sides are glued and the hand hold is not even the regular hand hold but every times it's the fingers interlocked one, with her other hand wrapped around his bicep area, and his other hand squeezing a stress ball, while they just have their faces close to one another, staring into each others' eyes and smiling and chatting like they just got married...I AM LIKE PLEASE WHAT IS THIS.

And because they are older, it's more like those fiction scenarios. 🤧

Me: Ma'am I just woke up. Can you NOT, it's too early. 😭

Sam: And it's also like they are lost in their own world while they are walking. They actually don't break the eye lock that easily, they just keep strolling, and I am the one who just steps to the side and gives them time to pass by...and inside I scream like a maniac awed by their cuteness.

Me: Nah I'm just imagining you having a hard time staying 'normal'. Man that's so adorable. 🤧

Sam: I do smile at them, EACH TIME, because I can't help it. Two days ago they were looking at some flowers, hands never leaving each other's. 😭

Me: I'm...oh shutup what AU is this? 🤧

Sam: That kind of casual and cute intimacy at this age just gives such a nice picture of how their younger life and life thus far might have been. They are so comfortable and loving with each other, as though it's habit. These are literally those high school sweethearts types who sustained so far because it was the giddy but pure kind of love I bet.

Aalu: 😭to Much for my heart. 

Me: Man I just finished reading an AU and now you come attacking and I'm oh...yeah you know. 😣

Sam: Absolute goals! Ahhh that kind of love, it's so so so so rare to see, especially when people get older. Most just have the kind of marriage where they have been sick and tired of each other since long, and then there is this kind. Where you are like, nah man, I JUST KNOW these two had so much love between them. So whenever I see those rare cases, my heart just bursts.

Me: Ah. What actually is disturbing is the fact that as much as this is all cute and stuff, it stands out this much...why? Because it's not the norm. That shit hurts man. 

Sam: EXACTLY! This! Why do you think we are going gaga over it, and why do you think we actually notice and remember it? Because we don't see it, almost ever. So when the very rare scenarios come up, it's the simplest of things but they stand out because we are so used to observing shit otherwise.

Me: THIS. Period. Ugh I really wish people learned to respect others, it's really as simple as that. Everything stems from that one word. It makes you a better human no matter to whom, how, when, where, why and in what sort of a relationship. The fact that this very thing lacks so badly explains a lot about how people fail to acknowledge the bonds they share in any capacity.

Sam: 💯💯💯💯💯 Another thing, desi culture legit shames and looks down upon the most simple and essential forms of showcase of intimacy, always it's sad. Like holding hands, or just looking at each other longingly. These are not 'sexual' stuff. It's just simple forms of expressions of care and love.

Me: They shame you for being a considerate, respectful and sensitive human. That's about it. Apparently dominance is so glorified that the fact that people could just look beyond stubborn ideals and be nice to each other is so RARE. It's really not about PDA. That's always a personal choice and not everyone is comfortable with that. They bring in culture and I'm like sure, even though you as a third person have no right to say anything between two people, sure I understand that to overstep a cultural boundary could be upsetting for you. BUT it's simple as this, it's an excuse. You could be simply a better human to your partner and they'd label you spineless. And for what? For being just caring and expressive. If you have a personal choice to dislike it, others can have a personal choice to like it. They lace it in humour just to keep it less controversial, but that actually makes the mockery more acceptable. And I'm saying this regardless of gender norms. Men get called stuff that makes it seem like they've no 'fake masculinity' if they're a gentle person. Women get called stuff that makes them believe, you need to be intimidated by him 24*7. And the way they bring the Adam Eve creation story and references of who's to "look out" for who. I'm sorry but care and protectiveness have no gender. They come out of genuine affection and that's how it should be taken. Unfortunately it's not. Unfortunately it's associated to gender roles and gender norms that make you forget your partner is a human first and your partner later. You should not be doing something just because they're your partner or not. Your intentions need to be organic, or what's even the point of it all then?

Sam: Ugh ALL OF THIS, just the truth!!

Belief & Beyond

From parts of a conversation I recently had with a close group, an extracted version of my take on it.

__________

Imagine I'm already so loud about such topics and yet there are things I've never said because I know if I did...I would have been declared blasphemous or something.

I am not the best practicing Muslim but I also don't agree with the way our culture treats religion.

Religion is a way of life, not blind allegiance. We don't teach people how to live, instead we impose regulations. That was not the reason why Allah sent literally any messenger. Mankind was supposed to learn and be better humans, as a creation of God and to other humans. The world does the EXACT opposite for literally every religion out there.

As a Muslim Islam is above all for me. But as someone who's entire set of religious practices stem from logical understanding and humanitarian grounds, I disagree with the way people view religions in general. Also the way Muslims forget that one thing we were all taught in school, rights of mankind are placed even above rights of God, because for His rights He makes the choice to punish or forgive, but for a human you hurt, it is their decision to forgive you and until they do so, even Allah will not. When people like me say, humanity above all, it's really funny how we're called as those operating lives on western ideals when this is literally one of the core Islamic beliefs beyond these obvious major doctrines. When I see someone who read this in school just like me, completely disregarding humanity, I am left to wonder how they studied Islam because we all took the same class, same book, same concepts...then how did they manage to forget such a major teaching, rights of mankind and humanity above all.

No one has the same faith and no two people of the same religion have identical beliefs too. But the society makes a list of generally accepted obligatory principles that you are made to comply with without logical reasoning included because they're labeled essential rules and everything else that religion teaches you is ignored.

When in essence, every religion teaches you two things 1) way of life 2) humanity, that is unless of course they aren't corrupted but mankind has corrupted them.

Islam teaches you two additional things 1) why Islam is the final acceptable form or religious practice 2) you are answerable to no-one but God.

In reality, there are no best practicing people of any faith and yet people of every faith have a faction with this superiority complex and lack of humanity in the heart.

Why? Because of the way religious pedagogy is structured by our society.

Allah has told us what is right and wrong. Every generation has the duty of teaching values. But not to be the judge on earth. In the end, if someone doesn't follow the right path, my duty as an elder, guardian, school, government...etc. was to educate them, not to forcefully make them practice. If they choose to not practice, then it is between Allah and the said individual.

But what does our society do:
1) teach religion like a matter of blind allegiance without actual 'education and learning'
2) hold people accountable when they fail to meet standards, even though the only one who has the authority to be the judge is Allah himself

I am not the best practicing Muslim, but I know my duties and my limits. Anything taught by force is not religious education, it is simply instilling a fundamentalist mindset and agenda.

That being said, I apologize to anyone who may not like anything I said above. I'll be answerable to Allah for that.

A Comprehensive Glance — Mental Heath (Research — Pt 1.1)

Over the course of time, in the past two centuries, the manner in which cases of mental illnesses have been reported and dealt with has changed a great deal. One of the most renowned cases and perhaps one of the most important ones too has been of Mary Lamb.

In 1976, in a fit of rage, after committing the murder of her own mother, Mary’s condition was declared as lunacy, and the only breadwinner of the poor family was then immediately sent to a madhouse. Before the incident took place the family had already gone weary of her condition which is why Mary’s brother also intended to consult a doctor in this regard. But before anything could have been done, the night of September 21 1796, Mary had attacked and killed her mother also inflicting wounds on her father John Lamb. Mary was not incarcerated and held accountable for her actions, the common law of the country had no regulations for someone having any medical illness. (Appignanesi, pp 13-49)

Given the same incident took place in the current day, not only would the murderer be held accountable but be found in a psychiatric ward, being treated for the mental illness, rather than being merely confined in a madhouse like Mary was. Mary faced a problem of recurring attacks of her mental condition. She made several visits to and stayed in the madhouses, both public and private, whenever she or her brother sensed her illness coming back. She was aware of her condition and chose to go back in retreat and confinement every time she sensed she could become a danger for others. Mary still lived through periods of considerable sanity, during which she assisted her brother on many literary works. One would assume that despite the violent attack she made, Mary was not all that insane after all. There were a number of reasons identified as being responsible for Mary’s condition, one of the most important ones being her troubled childhood, lack of love she received from her mother. Given that it seems right to say Mary required the attention and love her brother chose to give her by keeping her close to himself, by looking after her on his own. His methods did work, gave fruitful results, her literary works and the last few years she spent in good condition even after her brother’s death, seem to serve as an evidence.

But here the question seems to be if keeping her among the public was a right decision or not, someone else too could be killed at her hands. Madhouses of that time had no form of proper diagnoses, let alone treatment, confinement only helped keep her away. But what if things went wrong while Mary was living with Charles?

51 years old Lisa Caplan of Palmerton, had been already diagnosed of suffering from mental illnesses, had been taken into psychiatric facility too. But after the last time she was released, late last year she killed her own mother. It was reported that this was the medical negligence of the psychiatric facility, and it was also true that even though Lisa had a history of mental illnesses, nothing of such a nature had happened. (Michlowski)

From a broader comparison it seems that both Mary and Lisa faced the problem of a recurring illness, were often led out of and led back in to an area away from their households, but Mary didn’t even receive any form of treatment while Lisa did. Yet one in an aggravated state killed her mother while the other already had and was not charged guilty. But given like Lisa Mary too could be released at a time when she shouldn’t have been, was it really right after all to release Mary or will it be to release anyone else in today’s times? What standards have we set to judge whether a person is cured and safe to be let out of constant medical observation facilities? In Mary’s times diagnostic facilities may not have been up-to the mark, but are the treatments of today that focus less on logical deduction and more on prescribing pills better in this regard? It is true that we cannot chain down anyone in any psychiatric facility forever, they come here for treatments not as a punishment to be sentenced to life imprisonment. But doesn’t that call more critical analysis of the patient’s condition? Medical negligence can be reported, but are we learning anything from the history of such cases? What should be our course of action and how should we proceed with it still remains an important question. But first it is vital to acknowledge that our diagnostic techniques, treatments and facilities have improved, but not enough. There is still much room of improvement and much work to be done before we can reach a satisfactory status regarding understanding, diagnosing and treating mental illnesses. Our purpose is treatment and rehabilitation, not confinement. But with that we can certainly not take risks on other human lives too, blindly. There is a need to revisit and reanalyze our forms of treatments and judgments associated with mental illnesses.

Works Cited

Appignanesi, Lisa. Mad, Bad and Sad: a History of Women and the Mind Doctors from 1800 to the Present. Virago, 2010. pp 13-49

Michlowski, Bill. “Attorney: Daughter Accused of Killing Mother with Crossbow Has 'Long-Standing History' of Mental Illness.” WNEP.com, WNEP, 30 Sept. 2017, wnep.com/2017/09/30/attorney-daughter-accused-of-killing-mother-with-crossbow-has-long-standing-history-of-mental-illness/.

Mess

You were a mess
But the most beautiful mess
A tad bit of grumpy
And a tonne of distress
The wildest of storms
But so soft that I’d want to caress
Maybe even if in a corner I supress
Lock away all that was felt by either
With me your glares and glances
Still tend to play a game of chess
Each one of your moves I carefully assess
Pondering what goes on in that mind of yours
Soul so subtly simple, emotions so simply subtle
But with the courage of a tigress
I was the one who wanted to checkmate you
Now look I’m the one left in a mess

Healing

And those who were hurt
Know how to heal
With a tender touch
Each wound they seal
And those who were hurt
Know how to feel
How tough it is to forget
Each memory they peel
And those who were hurt
Know how to deal
With all that is fake
And all that is real
They know more than you think
More than in what you believe
From most of the things
A deeper meaning they perceive
So let those who were hurt
Walk into your life tomorrow
Let it be a new morning for you
Let them take away your sorrow
You think no-one gets you
And yet at least they do
Learn to grasp another hand
Even if you trust a few