Conversations With A Stranger

This post is for anyone and everyone who is in any capacity concerned about mental health issues. It'll take you a while to read but I have a few thoughts I'd like to share. Pause or scroll away, whatever you wish.

If you've known me for a while, you would be well aware of the fact that I'm pretty vocal about certain topics, mental health is one. I gladly engage in discussion relevant to it and I'm definitely not a certified counselor, but I'm always open to conversation with people who feel the need to speak to someone. Through my own experience, sometimes a conversation is vital to keep you sane. I promise complete confidentiality in such cases, and whether we know each other in a personal capacity or not, I respect their privacy.

I recently had a conversation with someone. Bearing in mind that I would not like to reveal their identity in any capacity, I'm only here to tell you somethings I picked up upon. This isn't the first time, but this time something was so different that I found the need to talk about this.

The said person and I both are brown. And really they don't know me much at all. This is the first time I've had someone open up to me like this, given we barely know each other, almost strangers. But they knew I was all ears for anyone who needed someone to listen to them, so they hit me up. Usually we prefer to confide in someone close to us. But the reason they opted to talk to me (almost a stranger to them) was because the people closest to them have pretty harshly rejected conversation. This is the red flag. They trusted a stranger over the people close to them, because they didn't get support rather faced sheer criticism.

Mental health is still very much stigmatized in our society. Since it refuses to accept that these problems exist, most of the people going through any such situation have no medical record to support their condition. Brown people refuse to acknowledge anything unless there's documentation for it and of course they also have a tendency to blame people for their problems. That's exactly what happened with this person too. Our society easily blames people for even their physical misfortunes, then given it's not ready to acknowledge mental health issues, it's way worse. Additionally, since more young people are coming out and being vocal about mental health, most of us get labeled as attention seekers who are just overthinking and exaggerating things out of proportion. Now this is not to say I'm blind to the fact that people can fake things, but really telling that to everyone doesn't help you identify if their problem is real or like you'd prefer believing in, they're "faking it".

It's true that counseling should help you and yes you should consult a professional. But in my own experience I was present at such a session with someone very dear to me. I don't think our brown society is ready to have this conversation even when one of the person involved is a psychologist or counselor. I was astonished with the way I saw the psychologist do the same thing every other person would do outside their clinic, blame the sufferer for their suffering. Personally, I don't mean to generalize and say that's how all professionals are and so you shouldn't consult them at all. No, please go see one if it can help you. But after that experience, I don't think I'll be comfortable with the thought of ever paying a visit to one, at least back home. This horrendous experience I witnessed was at a very renowned hospital in the capital so that's enough to scare me away from even imagining what happens in other places.

Now the person who contacted me did so 1) because the people around them only chose to play the blamegame 2) they're afraid to have this conversation with their parents knowing they'll have a similar reaction 3) they found it easier to talk to someone who was open to mental health conversations, even if just a stranger.

On top of that, they're a psychology student themselves. Not only did the person they talk to blame them for exaggerating things but also blamed their education for it. They ended up in such a situation where it honestly hurt to read the texts they were sending to me. They were not in a good place and thanks to this uncooperative attitude they had to experience, they were doubting their own sanity. I really am of no help at all. I've no knowledge regarding helping anyone in such a scenario. But the 15 minutes we spent talking, they left off relieved with the thought that they shouldn't be afraid to seek help, they just need to talk to people who could listen to them without hurting them further. I've made absolutely no difference in their life, and I cannot. Really no-one can. Brown people treat everything as if it has a cure, cure it and move on. That really isn't how mental health issues are. It's not a mathematical sum that has a solution and yep you found x so end up of conversation. More often than not, it's all recurring too. As a society we need to understand that no-one wants to live a miserable life. Believe me everyone wants their problems to end. But mental health isn't something like cold or flu, so stop treating it like that. Encourage people by saying things will get better but don't expect them to wake up in the morning and go like that's it, my depression is cured and I'll never be stressed out again.

This individual sought comfort in talking to a stranger. And they're very young. I'm glad that they spoke to me because they knew they needed to. They needed someone to encourage them without making them feel pathetic for asking for help. But please, please be more understanding towards the people around you. If they don't want to open up-to you, respect that. If they wish to open up-to you, please be more welcoming. Do not push them away. Do not drive them towards self-doubt. Not everyone will choose to try talking to someone else instead. And I don't even want to imagine the consequences of shutting everyone out. Nothing kills you more than being in that situation and being on your own. Please don't show your concern for mental health as just a topic. Please be considerate to those around you who are going through such things. This place is not one to preach and I don't expect to really be contributing towards making a difference by just talking about it. So that's exactly what I don't do, I don't post stuff here and assume my contribution ends there. I remember these things when I'm around people, where my actions actually make a difference. If you're reading this, I just hope you remember these things the next time you're in a capacity to influence someone's life by merely use of words.

Choices

Make your own choices.
Use what you've seen and what you've learnt to infer who you should be or become.
Welcome what others may have to say.
Communicate your own thoughts without biases.
Put your thought processes towards understanding what choice is realistic, reasonable and applicable.
Consider factors that affect you and consider how you may affect others.
But in the end even after all of this, there is no certainty that you made the best choice.
But at least you made your own choice.
There's no regret left behind because you didn't value your judgement.
At least the results were preceded by your efforts to make the best choice.
What followed factors in not only your decision but the circumstances you encountered before and after taking it.

We all grow and evolve.
And if there's something I've learnt overtime, gradually through every stage, it's to communicate with others but not be guided by any.
Find inspirations, not instructions.
Free yourselves from labels and laws that govern our individual ideals and form monsters in the name of what the society shall say.
Remember the basic rules centered around morals and ethics that are the core of humanitarian principles.
Our faiths and our beliefs do not have to be the same to understand anything that brings harm shouldn't be a valid choice.
And even if your choice becomes a cause of destruction for you, you made it knowing what you were getting yourself into.
Just remember to not harm another individual by your action.
Center your morals upon ideals that are common to all, or at least a significant majority. Center your morals upon how your choices can impact someone, including of course yourself. Center them upon the basic instincts not beliefs that immediately tell you, this may be wrong but that doesn't seem right.
But don't count your beliefs as morals and ethics.
Because beliefs can differ, but basic ethics are unanimous, and they shall be.

And above all, respect people's choices.
Respect their right for only them to be responsible for the choices they make.
Don't hold them accountable to yourself.
Don't hold them accountable to your beliefs.
Hold them accountable to basic ethics if they violate.
Stop them, prevent things, only if what they're doing is against the basic ideals of humanity.

You don't have to be the follower of any faith or a part of any culture to fear the consequences of your actions.
There is no sin greater than causing destruction that can impact others.
You don't have to be the believer of any faith to remember that.
People's rights and humanity shouldn't consider and shouldn't only be considered when associated to any faith or culture.

We as people need a way to lead life, and so we choose a faith or are given one at birth. And we choose to stay with it, move to another or drop all.
And if you want to lead your life according to any or none at all, that depends upon you.
But no matter what choice you make, you are still a human.
You are not answerable to anyone for your beliefs except whoever you believe in.
But your actions should never violate basic ethics regardless of the choices you make.

This is not to say I promote the idea of forgetting your religion or culture. I don't. But my faith applies to me and so does my culture. If I believe I am answerable to God that is my belief. I shouldn't have the right to force that accountability on anyone else. No faith promotes forgetting one's impact on mankind. So remember that beyond just what you believe in. Because I a Muslim and my Christian friend may not agree on everything since our beliefs differ. But neither should forget our beliefs apply to us only. Our actions should respect our rights and those of others as individuals, whether or not our beliefs converge in that respect is not a given.

23

Perhaps in the darkest of times do we discover the light within. The sparks that we expect to go flying, come from nowhere else but the attics of our own hearts. The dark can be deceptive and yet protective, if one finds comfort in shutting out everything. And solitude is by no means man’s enemy, it’s a precious possession of mystic minds, but a source of repression for the anxious kind.

Must we find solace in spreading wings in highlands, we should not intend to chase away ourselves to a no man’s land. Rather find serenity and serendipity in pursuing the path of perception of our concealed selves and the workings of that mind, out in the open and yet away. To wander off into fields of knee high grass, should be our illusionary form of teleportation of the soul. The lights must only be out, so that the figure curled into a ball sinks into the abyss of discovering themselves, and the sparks following an unthinkably long yearning. Close doors upon all, not so to escape from the realm of reality, but to hear closely the sounds that are only audible when silence prevails. The sounds of organisms ignored for their insignificance, for they remind you of the existence of the little things we often forget. And that of the organ of the greatest significance. Listen to the beats of the fist sized heart that metaphorically holds a myriad of emotions. When one worries for if any other beats for them, recall that the one in you does and that your existence is for no-one but yourself, so place yourself on the highest pedestal of concern. Then let all else follow closely but still behind.

Expression is a variant form of art that bottles up all that has been bottled in for long. Ties a vintage or exquisite ribbon or bow, then ships it off to the mercy of whoever finds, what they choose to see and what they choose to believe may not always match what was intended, but that is the beauty of expression. The one sealing the bottles pours in their own, the one pulling out the cork feels their own. And comfort, cognizance and choice, all alter understandings of the messages wrapped up on the antique parchments. 

Perhaps this is my bottle, and both the one tying tiny ribbons or getting them undone is just ones self after all. Perhaps just like the ink was set free from the pen to adorn parchments till they were wrapped and trapped in bottles to be sent off to their destination, I too unleash thoughts in the black but with the only difference of these bottles having no destination to reach. Perhaps times have changed and ways have altered but the one who pens still condenses conversations, scenarios and fragments of imagination in twisted ways to tell tales untold, words that haven’t escaped lips in their true forms.

Perhaps some find solace in direct accounts of their day to day encounters, while for me that has been an endless struggle, discontinued too often too. Penning down was a passion and a form of venting out. But an indirect escape of abstract extractions seemed more comforting and fruitful than simply keeping a diary. A dump of thoughts with no patterns or parameters. I found comfort in putting things together in that form, and it still continues to be the case. Often when something bugs me to an extent that I would probably want to but not choose to speak to anyone, I have a little one-sided conversation with a blank sheet of paper. Imbalances in sanity or psychological states are still very much stigmatized. The level of comfort found in sinking into a conversation with an absolute stranger sometimes seems more ideal than with someone we’ve known. But that too is misinterpreted as something highly insignificant. Then this one-sided conversation comes in handy. It becomes a way to vent without being looked down upon and without any other consequences than realizing your own ways to grow. Penning was never a profession rather a passion, so I let it be just that and not anything more. To me it is just another form of art, stands out to be different from most but it’s uniqueness only makes it more special.

Life is a rollercoaster ride where ups and downs are the norm, it’s only when the pace of transition increases that the stomach begins to churn. Over the years I’ve experienced things that have impacted who I am and well no impact is always and completely good and for the best. But I’ve spent time deducing the best of it, often putting it or my mental debate into words so it helps ponder further. So much goes on with oneself, and not all of it is always positive but one can only try to constantly aim that it is.

As I turn 23 and finally look forward to graduation this academic year, I look forward to settling into a new life, hopefully one that enables me to explore more and find newer escape routes to get lost in the beauty of this world rather than the concealed basements of the past. Things have changed overtime and whether for the good or otherwise, they’ve taught me an ample lot. Lessons that will go on with me for life, weaknesses that I can work upon, strengths that I can make my forte. There is a very long way to go, a lot to experience and a lot to ponder upon and deduce from. Yet with around five weeks to another year of my life being over, I intend to reach a personal goal by then. You can’t alter things that are attached to you if you have no control over them. But you can choose to focus on either the good or bad or both. What seems best is too focus on what brings a smile and for anything that causes a frown to form, focus on the goodness in that, the little positivity or the positive lesson that follows it. But don’t let your mind wander off onto the negativities it can’t tame. 

As kiddish as it may sound, I don’t jump on the bandwagon of New Year’s resolution, but each year before I grow older, I set a target to achieve. Either something by that date or a year from it. This time my first goal is to achieve something by that date, learn to move ahead without overthinking about the negativity attached. Optimism is healthy, but it not being followed by pessimistic thoughts rather it becoming the end result of the project sounds more ideal, so that is what I shall do. To not speak or ponder over what brings one down, but use all of it to paint the same with genuinely optimistic paint. It is not to say one forget what brings them down but rather one can choose to not think of it and aim to rise above and beyond. It is not to say that the mind may never wander off in thoughts, may never find ones self at the back of a deserted damp and dark room. But it is to say that one must try to think of everything else so overthinking over the things where they have no control is the last thing on the schedule. I aim to focus upon who I am as a person. That is not to say I need to alter myself to fit in a mold, but how I can better myself. Someone once said to me, thorns will always out number roses but that doesn’t reduce their significance and status. Those who care were, are and will always be a bunch so to wonder what’s wrong with ones self because the herd against you looks bigger is a toxic approach that will only bring you down further. Focus on the fact that some hung along and even though they too may have issues from you, they’re still there. To love yourself is probably the toughest but to know you’re loved is important, because those people are the ones who matter, the hands that you shouldn’t let go off and the only souls who should be able to change you, for the better.

Often putting my thoughts into words is a way of making myself relearn the relatively thoughtful things I can think of at the spur of the moment. Away of reassuring myself that sanity still prevails in my crackhead self and so even though things may end up messed up enough to form a curled ball in a corner because of the curve balls life throws, to stay their or to jump up shall be my call. It can be challenging to value without comparison, but it is needed. It can be challenging to settle for little love but it’s truer love so it is needed. It can be challenging to see the light through darkness but it is needed so watch out for every spark. Life isn’t euphoric for anyone, but find what makes you feel like you’re in utopia. Even if you end up mentally debating about why not everyone gets the same type and size share of it. Remind yourself that to be blessed is not to have the best, but to experience what it is to be with the ones honest to your soul. Invest in bondings without expecting returns and I promise you would’ve already found what leaves you on cloud nine. Promise yourself to not chase down alleys behind a light, be your own light and life will feel lighter.

The Difference of Chlorophyll

privilege is a luxury
treasure it
with less on your mind
less comes out
with more comes trash
easily identifiable
not decipherable
within the confines
of too much love
affection is undervalued
when the question is
of there being any at all
the scale is different
and illusionarily balanced
pluck a twig
or crample a dead leaf
two insanely different things
viewed as the same in a pile

Infinite Exaggeration

❝ You. I can relate to you. And so can many others. Look below yourself. Look around yourself. You're not alone. You're just thinking too much. You're taking it to your heart. You're not the first to go through all this. Look what I went through. Look how it was way worse for me. Look how the very same thing affected me more than it affected you. Look how things have always affected me more. You've been through things but I've been through worse. And so you should really stop thinking too much, it isn't THAT bad afterall. In fact you really didn't have to deal with anything bad.

Your generation is extra sensitive. You guys take such things and make them big, amplifying bare minimum concerns. Depression? Oh we had bigger reasons to be depressed. But we never complained. Look at how tough our times were. You? You're not even affected that much. You're not really even affected directly. You have a roof above your head. You don't sleep on an empty stomach. You don't have to hang yourself along a bus to commute to school each morning. You don't even lend a hand in the household like our generation used to. You've no burdens to bear. It's all just in your head. You don't experience anything and yet you complain about the uneasiness in the air. What is that and why does it affect you and it really shouldn't because it's not like you're actually dealing with something practically...

There is an unsettling atmosphere and what about it? You can't even handle words when we've faced much worse. Peace? You say your life lacks peace? Comfort? You say your life lacks comfort? Well ours lacked more practically important and substantial things than that. You all just overthink and overreact over the smallest things. What is anxiety? What is that feeling of being unloved? What is the discomfort you speak of? Noise? What noise do you whine about? Oh please. You can't even handle witnessing things. You can't even handle listening to anything you don't approve of. How will you deal with practical life? How will you survive on your own? How will you thrive when you can't even compromise like us? Compromise is essential to building a sustainable life. You all only know how to escape. That is how clever and yet immature you all are. You don't have the patience to stay and deal with things, to face them and put other things and people above your own self. This is the reality of life. You have to go through a great deal and you're not ready for it at all. You don't even know how to deal with actual substantial problems. ❞

Sigh

Dear Society

Be it good, or be it bad. But what you chase most in life, never ends up being yours. In a world this diverse, we all are chasing after something. None is more important than the other, because what is essential for one isn't such for the other. How we value things varies and that's normal. We're all losing something and in that we're losing ourselves. While you try to hold yourself together, don't tell others they've no reason to be broken because...

Sigh

because...because doesn't really matter for those who don't want to pay heed. Why waste my breath on them?

If you see someone's scars, tell them they're not alone. We all wage our own wars and it's vital to know none of us is spared. Show them your wounds, show them the bullet-holes, show them your bandaids. So they look up-to you still standing upright through it all when hell breaks lose. Let your tale only encourage them to fight their own, but don't compare your battles. Don't downplay their struggles.

Parents. Ponder.

I do not know how strongly does anyone need to emphasize this, but please.

If you are a parent, please let your daughter complete her education before she "settles down to start a family".

If you are a parent, please do not pressurize your daughter into having kids as soon she gets married.

Rather if she is being pressurized into either of these situations and you are even a relative, turn around and look at your own daughter and for once think about the consequences of what this female may have to go through and what if your own daughter had to go through this.

I think above all the one thing I've always personally emphasized enough is that women ruin the lives of other women by either force or by silence. And when the cycle just continues we cannot shift everything on patriarchy and claim things won't change.

I'm a young Asian brown female so probably the first thing any adult reading this would think is I've no patience. I'm just another angry young kid, a flagbearer of divorce. I'm promoting one should break a relationship on the smallest of things too. I can't help it if you think such. I'd still recommend you to not judge me personally, because 1) you know nothing about me on a personal level even if we've known each other for years 2) this isn't about me. But if you believe I'm against a female "compromising", then you are right. Patience is essential and understanding each other and "adjusting" with your partner are all essentials of literally every relationship. Both partners need to learn to cooperate and work together. A "compromise" though is one-sided and toxic, for both individuals. One keeps pushing the other against the wall and the relationship isn't lasting, it's barely surviving, against some compulsion or a bunch of other excuses.

Pick out literally any case of a woman living in silence and bearing any sort of physical, mental, emotional or other sorts of torture. Ask her why? She will almost always tell you she cannot afford a good living for her kids because she isn't "qualified enough", and so the best option for her is to suffer in silence, till her children are independent. Then her children will be a shield against her own husband.

^ I'm not making this up. Literally open your ears and eyes and ask people because I'm not just another keyboard warrior, I have asked, multiple women multiple times. And all their stories follow a similar pattern. Due to privacy concerns I have to maintain the confidentiality of their identities of course, so no I've no "proofs" for you. Try it yourself and you'll get the same replies.

I'm not saying something as precious as education has only one purpose, to protect you. But for our women, the lack thereof has been problematic. I'm not saying not having a child immediately gives you all the opportunity to test your relationship, and it's a guarantee that your husband will never do wrong after that. But for most such cases, having a child becomes her greatest hindrance in setting herself free. Give her sometime to understand the relationship she is in. This goes regardless of it being an arranged, love, arranged-love, love-arranged or any other sort of marriage.

I'm not promoting the idea of divorce and please don't come telling me it's the most undesirable of permissible things, because like you I do know that already. But even if least desirable, it is better than suffering in silence for years and promoting the cycle to repeat.

A son born in an abusive household learns his mom had no choice, is brought up being told men are superior and then when he grows up, he does the same. Marries a woman, makes her suffer — in silence.

^ this is not the story of every child born in an abusive household but this is a true story and there are many of such nature around you, it's just the mouths of these women are often sealed shut

There's more to understanding these things than sympathising with a victim only.
Stop letting your daughters reach that stage where they have to post about the victimization they had to face.

Disclaimer: If you got married at a young age or have had a child soon after. Please do not take this personally. I do know a lot of happy couples that met as highschool sweethearts, got hitched at a young age, have beautiful kids and are growing up together with their partners. God bless you. You are lucky. May you always stay happy and blessed. But everyone doesn't have a love story as beautiful as yours. Some are forced into these things and those are the ones I'm speaking about.

Acceptance and Neutrality

To stay steadfast on one's own beliefs, is to give themselves a strong footing. It's a foundation that keeps you grounded. Often when everything else wrecks your world apart by the tremors that take you by surprise, it keeps your sanity intact and acts as a guide.

But to stay firm on these stances is acceptable when they aren't detrimental to others. For that to be apparent it is essential to open yourself to ideals that contrast, contradict or build upon your own. It is essential to both be clear about your own and listen to others with a calm mind. To surely firmly believe in your own and yet be fluid enough to ponder upon the others.

And that is exactly what we lack as a society and as a global community. From religion to political ideals, to historical perspectives to predictions of the future, to gender norms and identity to sensuality and sexuality, to deep-rooted and engrained values to the concepts of the ever-changing modern world.

We see extremes and rigidity or the lack of any sort of strong association with any ideal and an unusual level of eagerness to merge and camouflage into every dominant ideal. We as individuals either refrain from having any sort of position on these topics or are tough to even convince to view things differently.

And above all we have this lust of forcing upon others what we think is right. In this battle of discerning and declaring right and wrong we forget the basic ethics of all religions, cultures and social settings, to invite and/or englighten others but to not force upon them our own perspectives.

We have perplexed concepts of respecting and supporting each other where we believe these two translate into immediately letting your guard down and blindly adapting to whatever the other individual, group or ideology has to say. When in truth to respect is to merely acknowledge the fact that another perspective exists and even if we may not share the same, we can accept the fact that it has the right to coexist with our own. And to support? Well often many of these perspectives belong to two major categories, the absolute majority or the absolute minority. In the case of a minority, it is often subjected to oppression and it's believers are indirectly or directly, with force or without it, pushed towards adopting the majority's perspective instead. The believers of the minority's viewpoint are exposed to an uncomfortable setting wherein even their safety and security can be at risk. Thus to support them is not to adopt their perspective but to recognize their right to have their own, to understand and express that even if it contradicts yours, you are open to accept that as another human being they are entitled to be different, no matter how drastically different their view may be from yours. To respect and support is often misinterpreted as a sign of weakness where you are ready to put aside your point of view and accept the other's, when instead it is a sign of strength where you are sane enough to firmly stand by your own and yet let the others stick to their's.

When it comes to rather controversial issues such as religion, the matter just becomes worse. Enough that the majority of us who have firm beliefs but respect and support others are afraid to voice that opinion. If I believe in Allah/God but you believe in Lord Shiva and I respect and support you because you are entitled to have a different belief from mine, that doesn't mean I'm letting go off my own. It means I just understand we can coexist without badmouthing each other's beliefs. If I believe in a more modest sense of style but I also respect and support you not having the same standard, that doesn't mean I will abandon my choice for yours. It just means I accept you as a different individual. If my definition of a relationship and who and how to fall in love are one dimensional whereas yours includes a broader understanding, that does not mean I'm changing my personal approach about relationships or sexuality. It just means I am understanding that you have the right to have your own.

It is often the definitions of right vs. wrong and detrimental that create havoc when it comes to these controversial topics. But what we need to understand is that is, what's right for me, may be wrong for you and what's wrong for you may be right for me. Our understandings are personalized and subjective. Thus it is better not to reject the idea of independent views because we believe we are right or the other is wrong. It is best to only stand up against something when it physically or mentally harms either one of us or others directly or indirectly and this conclusion is drawn through rational understanding, not motivated by personal biases.

As for the concept of inviting or enlightening another about our own, probably the best and most sane way out there is to be the best version of yourself. What you apply to yourself and what impact it can have is visible to everyone, thus if they feel more inclined towards your beliefs they will willingly lean in after putting a thought into everything and without you having to do anything. Even if you deem spreading the word your duty, silence can do it in a far better way. If you still choose to speak up instead then understand that you can always choose to peacefully do so without attacking and offending anyone directly. I just shared my perspective about acceptance and neutrality above without pinpointing at any individual and/or belief/belief system. You can choose to do the same with any viewpoint. Just remember, to utter is your choice. To listen, understand or accept is the other person's. Don't cross that line. Make your choices and let others make their own.