Postcards from Marine Drive — hum, ham-ing, aur aap

 Maybe, whilst not being on the lookout for it, I found my slice of sukoon, something that once seemed too utopian a concept to be mine.

With everything in me, if I were to string words together to define what it is, I would be at a sheer loss of words, yet it would always amount to a single one: you.

Sukoon is nothing but a state of existence where the heart and mind are utterly calm, yet eagerly vested in acknowledging the profound and all-encompassing charm that defines bliss. To me, that bliss spells as your name. For what else could it be, when days commence with you and nights fade into hues of dusk, all inscribing your name on the badge my soul proudly flaunts for being yours.

In all the languages I know, my thoughts would always read like a poem about you, and still, that would not encapsulate even an inkling of the sea of tenderness I carry within my heart for you.

If only I could open my heart to show you what I cannot pour into words, perhaps you would finally fathom everything I would utter only for you.

You have walked right out of my dreams, a muse for perfection, of all I could ever ask for. You read me like a book; every metaphor is etched for you within it, every obscure phrase carries a fragment of my soul. You decipher every unuttered word, every held-back sentiment, even those my shadow dares not be aware of. You read me in a way I have always wanted to be read, in every way I have ever wanted to be understood.

My soul gravitates towards nothing but you, and yours. You make it all sound so simple that it baffles me. How could someone walk into your world one fine day and cause you to believe it is where they always belonged?

Belonged, and I have longed for what even my heart and mind speak too little about. Yet somehow, my soul has whispered to you, and yours has embraced mine with a warmth so soothing I could forget everything, even myself, but remember you.

You and I are not two halves, but two wholes that piece together a puzzle complete. You could very well finish my sentences, yet in all partiality I cannot diminish us to being just partials. We augment and complement each other, together forming what would be a marvel of a symphony.

So, monsieur, be my forever muse, and I shall be yours. In all honesty, you make me feel much more than I can ever put together in words, with a heart so beautifully overwhelmed by your love.

That is what compels me to tell you how I feel, for you do not falter even for a moment in describing how you feel for me.

Oh, to be loved like an ode to love itself; ah, to it being a 'what if' you have cocooned me into an 'absolutely'.

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Marine Drive - hum, humming aur tum

A playlist stitched from a long drive’s echoes — the songs, the silences, the touch, the glances, and the quiet longing and adoration they carry. Each became a core memory, and so did this list, a time capsule of it all.

The postcards from it are moments and emotions captured through the lens and in lazy scribbles, preserved in their most raw form. 

Capitalism of the Heart: An Era of Emotional Transactions

Stemming from the post:

https://www.instagram.com/p/DMTURNatFex7mSVj-lnLw44KXrRF_otivctpH80/?igsh=MThuZGF5MTFjMTBzaQ==

This might sound a little strange, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how we’ve come to normalize ignorance — and not just normalize it, but position it as something acceptable, even admirable. We’re constantly told to be the “bigger person,” to not take things personally, to process difficult interactions with grace. And while all of that makes sense in moderation, we’ve taken it so far that we’ve turned numbness into a virtue.

We treat kindness, consideration, and selflessness as anomalies. We make those who express care feel like they're overstepping. Somewhere along the way, we decided that being emotionally distant is a strength, and that warmth is weakness. That if you’re expressive, present, giving — you’re too much.

People speak as though withholding connection is noble. That valuing yourself means limiting what you offer to others. But when did valuing yourself become synonymous with being unkind? When did we start calling arrogance “self-worth”? The line between confidence and narcissism has been blurred to the point of absurdity. And instead of questioning it, we reward it.

It’s not just about interpersonal ties either. This rigidity seeps into everything — friendships, workplace hierarchies, even family dynamics. We've built invisible ladders of expression, where seniors, parents, or even peers learn to hold back sincerity to maintain some sense of superiority. It's no longer just about respect — it's about control.

What baffles me is how natural we’ve made it feel to manage people, to control narratives, to guard our expressions not out of integrity, but out of strategy. As if connection is a transaction to be negotiated. As if being honest about your feelings will somehow lower your value.

We’ve started treating emotional expression like a limited resource. The less you give, the more you're worth. The moment you become available, you're disposable. And honestly, that sounds less like human connection and more like a concept straight out of an economics textbook.

Low supply = high demand.

Don’t be too responsive.

Don’t care too loudly.

Don’t give too freely.

We’ve applied market theory to our feelings. We’ve constructed an emotional economy where sincerity is undervalued and distance is a premium good. And the saddest part is that we’ve justified it all. We’ve over-explained manipulation until it sounds like wisdom. We’ve turned strategy into morality.

But here's the thing: if someone is sensitive, expressive, or soft-hearted, why do we treat that as something to fix? Why do we shame the very qualities we should be protecting? Since when did empathy become a liability? Since when did restraint become the gold standard for human connection?

Why are we pushing this narrative?

Why are we still pretending that deprivation creates depth?

And why aren’t we talking more about the fact that the real issue isn’t how kindness is shown — it’s how it’s received in a world that no longer knows what to do with it?

Ladies Room — Episode 6: Growth

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it may just be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

The context of this discussion has been eliminated due to privacy concerns. But the points are still valid to the individuals and to others who may associate with them.

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Sabahut: But honestly though, if women have the understanding and emotional capability to do so much thinking, when it comes to such things, it shouldn’t be out of reach or something dream-like for men. So you know what, nah, I ain’t changing my standards, maybe just reach my level if you want to be with me.

Sawera: To be very honest, none of these expectations that you and I set at least for how to behave are unrealistic in terms of expecting too much. They're just usually impossible because they don't put in any effort at all. Apparently they like to quote women have a higher level of emotional intelligence but I don't see that as defense because what's the idea here? One just does so the other won't try to work on theirs? This is basic behavior that needs to change. Because in the end nothing else remains in a human, just who they are does, that lasts more than any other thing most people look for.

Sabahut: THIS. Absolutely this. For men, the only growing they believe in is professional. But that’s not real growth at all. If you think you are lacking the basic things as emotional intelligence, care, consideration, and depth in terms of emotional thought process, then try to work on those, because that’s so important for personal growth on a human level. You being a better professional, with a slightly smarter logical brain, does not really mean that translates into the personal stuff as well. And to me, that’s how I measure and judge maturity. For me, maturity is not only being responsible financially, being street smart, ‘world smart’ or independent. It’s everything else. How thoughtful are you on a human level? How considerate are you? How much do you really care - about emotions, about the connection and relatability between people, relationships? How much effort do you put into making sure the people around you who are close to you, really know that you are there and you care? It’s those things that mark the real sign of maturity for me. Both in a man and woman. And that’s the very kind of maturity men lack the most. Only thing is, it can never be an excuse, because no, you don’t have to choose either or - you can always work on yourself to increase that kind of maturity, while also being mature professionally. Women do it. So it really shouldn’t be an unrealistic ask.

Sawera: The area of personal development that explicitly revolves around all that impacts engagement with others will always be important. It's what bothers us at core. Of course people aren't alike and even in this domain they cannot and should not develop the same way, because here again individuality is key. So some will do wonders in one way or the other and some will struggle while others progressively learn. We'll all be at different stages. But the cognizance that personal growth is vital for both the self and others is essential. It's not a race. Your acceleration isn't key, but at least the effort made is. Because the unwillingness to evolve highlights the boxed understanding of what life is about.

Sabahut: Exactly, and sadly, the most prominent cases are the ones where they just ignore the importance and necessity of such growth, usually retaliating by saying, ‘but I’m bringing the professional stuff on the table…’ okay, great, but that doesn’t mean you get to ignore the personal growth aspect. And as you said, of course it’s very individual and varies person-to-person, and for sure, no two people will be on the same journey entirely, but you at least have to be willing to grow in that manner, at least try, because right now, keeping in mind where majority of the guys are in that aspect, when even ‘trying’ will be a lot, and huge step forward.

Sawera: The very idea that we can ration out growth under gender roles is problematic on so many levels. This isn't even about how two people may be in a relationship and what they bring to the table, though of course you're right, that's how it's termed. This is about how as a human do you deem it appropriate to limit changes in yourself to absolute necessities or areas you need to 'fill in.' Growth in every aspect and form no matter it may shape up for anyone is important but personal growth implies and impacts so much more than the most apparent one. To be honest, it's that realm of growth that impacts you more than others because how you experience life and evolve directly impacts your way of life, your perspectives and yes engagement does influence others but then again it impacts your social life while the choice to accept your irrational behavior rests with them. It's just how the notion that those who have to put up will put up as made people insensitive and ignorant. They choose not to be better because well who cares, not like there's anything they can do about it. And it's true I can't limit this toxic understanding to a gender but at least the society we live in, there's a significant majority on each side of the problem here.

Sabahut: If only the society and the men living in that society started to not see it as a gender specific thing, but rather a human being thing. Because I’ve always despised the whole notion of ‘oh, just try to understand, you’re a girl, so you are more understanding emotionally, guys grow in that aspect “later”’ ummm, okay auntie, but that’s no excuse? And that’s just very narrow-minded? Why that divide? Why that ‘oh, you just “complete” what he lacks’ NO I WILL NOT. It’s not on me, or him too, if we go for a general argument, to complete anything in that manner. Because it’s very basic stuff that very human being should possess, or at least try to inculcate into themselves. It’s these kinds of things, that I cannot tolerate the word ‘compromise’ or ‘adjustment’ with regards to. Because no, I shouldn’t be asked to compromise on something like this, maybe you should change your view and teach your son that it’s important for him to grow in that way, for his own betterment as well. 

Sawera: People do not understand the boundaries of the 'wise words' they like to say. Everything is great in one context and absolutely absurd in another. Partners do compliment and to a certain extent complete each other, just like any two people interacting would, because we are all different and for sure lacking in some sense. Lacking but not in a negative context. More like areas that aren't our strengths. It's a given, we all have some and some not. So companionship whether in a romantic relationship or otherwise does allow us to make up for voids. But the problem with inserting this logic everywhere is not understanding yes nobody is perfect but no that does not mean we don't need to work on ourselves. So for something like personal growth, it should always be viewed individually and mutually exclusive to each other because this realm of your persona is beyond your interaction with just one individual. And if you remain stubborn with growth in this area you cannot let it slide as something someone else will fill in for. No. Everyone cannot and should not have to do that for you. Maybe the manipulative kind would know how to behave where and minimize social impact while making one person's life miserable but then again that scope of effects doesn't justify anything. And it's only a matter of moments that others are touched by it too because unwillingness to grow becomes second nature.

Sabahut: And also, the way they start getting offended or start calling you ‘too serious’ or ‘too uptight’ when you make very arguments like these, where you try to logically explain why it is, that differences as such matter when it comes to definitions. Ugh. Like, kindly stop undermining my feelings about this, by labeling it as me ‘overthinking’ or being too ‘demanding’ because YOU can’t see your faults. 🙂

Sawera: It irks me severely that the need to work in improving upon your mindset, ideologies, perspectives, emotional awareness and anything similar is judged by the need of these elements to exist or not. It's true that the understanding is dominated by a misogynistic and patriarchal point of view. But at the heart of the problem it's this hierarchy set in the end where anyone we feel not answerable to, we feel it's appropriate to treat however we will, while perhaps choosing to pay absolutely no regard to them as a person. And for anyone otherwise we behave otherwise too. It's no surprise there's a gender domination there. Yet put that aside too and my concern is how willingly irrational behavior can be rationed to others. And that is independent our understanding of the matter. You can be acutely irrational, and it can simply be a choice. Just because it's defined okay for you. 

Ladies Room — Episode 5: Aging

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

The context of this discussion has been eliminated due to privacy concerns. But the points are still valid to the individuals and to others who may associate with them.

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Sana: Men are always deemed attractive when they’re older & grey. Meanwhile, women are expected to shrivel up and die in a corner at the first sign of aging.

Sabahat: Just the absolute truth and reality. Honestly, most women, once we decide that we truly love a man, many of the 'wishes' we speak of in our younger years, get moulded to the man we give our hearts to. And we accept the man we chose, in every way they present themselves. Because for us, it has so much to do with the emotions and feelings we attach with them. That other things start to matter less, for example physical attributes over time. But SO MANY. men hold physical attractiveness and beauty to such high standards even when they get older. They may say they don't care, but subconsciously, because it's so ingrained in them that they end up caring, and then their interest 'wavers' so to keep the attention intact, women have to go to such lengths to prove themselves to still be desirable. It doesn't help that the society only fuels the fire.

Ladies Room — Episode 4: Therapy

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

The context of this discussion has been eliminated due to privacy concerns. But the points are still valid to the individuals and to others who may associate with them.

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Aalu: I literally feel like I need to go to a therapist.

Sam: I just shut it all out and live in my own bubble of self care and self happiness and self well being. Have been doing it for a long while now. Just accepted the reality, and decided to mind my own business, do my own thing. There's no point really, doing anything else.

Aalu: I'm glad you can do that. 

Me: I think my therapist will need a therapist after I seek therapy.

Aalu: Honestly.

Ladies Room — Episode 3: Rationality & Relationships

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

The context of this discussion has been eliminated due to privacy concerns. But the points are still valid to the individuals and to others who may associate with them.

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Me: These things have happened since forever. It's just now people are being vocal about them, glad though because now people are actually thinking and talking. This conversation needs to take place. But the more you hear, the more you experience, directly or passively, it just teaches you so much more about respecting yourself. Our culture somehow completely skips the topic of self-respect being an essential, when it should be the foundation stone. And honesty it is literally the first building block. I know one thing that I say to y'all who are close to me and I'm forever adamant on it, and shall be. If need ever be, I know my views on this would still be the same and I'd vocalize them too. Please don't promise to love me forever, just do so till you can. And if you ever can't, then at least respect what we have and let me know you want something else. Don't cheat. Just let me know and I'll wish you well and leave. That's it. Period.

Aalu: 💯💯 the best way to put it.

Sam: I will tell him straight up. I am very serious about stuff like this. I will be very clear, I smell any sort of betrayal or cheating, and that includes EMOTIONAL CHEATING, where you are just not there emotionally with me, and are thinking about going astray in that way with someone else, it will be the same as cheating for me. You have to be 200% sure that you actually love me, like me, and will love me and like me, be it physically, emotionally, on a human level, intellectual level, even 20-30 years from now, in every age and every phase, no matter what, that's when I will go ahead with anything. Because I'm someone who is sure of things before I take any big step, and I am sure I have enough room to make things work or find solutions within that decision if there are problems or alterations that are needed. But if I'm choosing you, I'm choosing you forever. If you can't promise that, if you can't have that sort of clarity in choice for now and forever, then sorry, maybe I'm not the right person for you. I know not many people can be 'fully sure,' but if I can be, I'd rather someone else, of the opposite gender, who can think that way too. But there are so many serious things I will very clearly discuss and make transparent with whoever it is, in the future. Because I need to know he will not run away the moment something serious comes up. Disloyalty of ANY KIND, disrespect of ANY KIND, dis attachment of ANY KIND, and doubt of ANY KIND, and I'm out.

Because of all that I've seen around me, in terms of relationships and especially romantic ones, I've just learnt to really respect myself fully, as an individual and human being and a girl. I actually value myself a lot, be it my heart, my emotions, my worth, my happiness, and I'm someone who very vigorously protects herself. And I don't mind doing that, because I know no one else will be looking out for me as passionately as I myself can, because there are just some things other cannot do. So yes, I love 'love,' and I really like fairytales, and I dream of ideal scenarios and would be so elated to have those, with someone, BUT I also will never disregard myself and my own mind and peace when it comes to these things. I am very certain of how I deserve to be treated, and if a man cannot promise me that very minimum requirement, sorry, I will not sign up to hurt myself. That is my motto.

Aalu: Sam is my personal own therapist. Who I don't pay but still get quality content. I swear your a legend. 😭😭😭

Sam: I'm glad that my thoughts are helpful. Makes me really happy to know that they resonate. 😭

Aalu: They honestly do... they even motivate me to carry on doing with what I am. Because I should care more about what I deserve and not what others want.

Sam: Hundred percent. Never put your worth down. Ever. No matter what. Circumstances, misfortunes, difficult times, or even others constantly telling you that you're not enough should NEVER EVER make you question your own value. Because if you are alive and in the world today, it's because you deserve to be here. And you deserve every inch of goodness possible, but you got to learn to be your own cheerleader and your own advocate. You got to fight for what you deserve, as long as you can, and make it known, vocalize it, and express it. Because no, that's not being demanding, that's not being selfish, that's not being snobbish, and that's not being high maintenance. That's just being aware of your own feelings, your own happiness, and your own right to be peaceful. At the end of the day it's all about what brings you peace, and what makes you go to bed with a smile on your face, or without having a worry snatch away that sleep for the rest of eternity. You do what you have to do, to make sure you solidly that sort of sleep for yourself.

The Accused Victim

In societies where a woman's honor is treated like an asset, she is assaulted the most. She is mistreated, abused and raped. And even when she's the one dishonored, she is accused for what she faces. She is encouraged to forget the scars on her skin, the nasty fingers that have engraved their filth upon her soul, for if anyone knows people will look down upon her. She is coerced to stay silent, before the crime, during the crime and after the crime. And if the world finds out, she's forced to form a bond with the very man that has abused her. And if he doesn't no-one shall, let alone 'accept' her, they won't even let her 'live' in peace.

He is the one with the filthy glance and the demonic motives. She is the one to stay silent. She bears and bears till she can. Her crime being what? The fact that he is the one to eye her. If she defends herself or she doesn't, she is threatened and assaulted regardless. Yet if she tries to defend herself, her assault is labeled 'justified.' And she is the one decimated to the lowest level, for he laid a hand upon her.

Her age. Her identify. Her status. Nothing matters. She is a woman, that is all what is remembered. She is 'respectful' till she's 'dishonored' and once she is she's the one held accountable. Is this justice? Is this a woman's right?

And if she seeks justice, she's called out for raising her voice. Her voice is labeled the reason she's 'worthy' of this assault. Is this justice?

And if this isn't, then ask yourself. What would you do if a woman you knew was the victim?

To light a candle for a victim is easy. To save her from being plunged into a punishment for being victimized is the challenge. What would you do if it were about you?

Ladies Room — Episode 2: Consent & Harassment

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this.

In order to respect people's right of privacy, the names of the said individuals will be replaced with aliases.

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Eesha: But jokes aside and I know this is nothing to joke about so I apologise for the above meme. A lot of girls came out with their harrasement stories. A lot of men, known rapist were roaming around campus with privilege.  A lot of men who on the surface seemed feminist, spoke in favour of women, their stories were revealed. The entire process was emotionally draining because it really puts into question all male friendships one may have. A friend to you might be a harasser to another women.

That's it.

I am so proud of all the women who named and came forward with it.

And as much as I am glad these men are finally getting what they deserve, it also pains me to know just how how sexually frustrated disrespectul and utter scams these men are.

Yasmeen: This is so true...

I think there are some behaviors that are extremely uncomfortable but SO common that it even becomes difficult to identify let alone call them out for it. After as much as I've heard from some friends, I am glad that this is happening. It's bringing this awareness that I didn't even know I should have.

Eesha: Exactly. Because when men say that oh why didn't you say anything then. I just wanna tell them. When something like this happens your mind goes numb, you can't think you don't know what has happened. And that feeling they will never know.

Yasmeen: Yes. Even the thing with forced consents.

Eesha: Yess. Bro this consent. Many in Pakistan think consent only applies to sexual acts. I disagree. I feel men in Pakistan and otherwise also just don't understand consent and this goes way back then sexual activities. 

We have all been through this as women: 

Boy: let's watch a movie go for dinner etc

Girl: sorry I can't

Boy: no no no but why u don't trust me blah blah please please

Girl (still doesn't wanna but values friendship): ok. 

Now boys will say but u consented. Just want them to understand this guilt tripping constant nagging is not consent. Consent is accepting the initial no and moving the hell on. That's where it starts. That first no to a simple thing as tea should be taken as consent.

Yasmeen: Uff yesss. We have ALL been there.

Eesha: But men jusr can't. Like men have no concept of personal space. Anyhow. I've lost faith in men. One guy who openly speaks about how he notices women's ass he has even openly rated women's asses.

Yasmeen: Bro, same.

Eesha: A few girls asked him that this is not ok stop it. He with sheer confidence said: "you guys are the real hypocrites. I say it out loud and you get offended but 24/7 all boys are analyzing your body parts, just because they don't say it doesn't mean they are saints. I say it that makes me a better guy." 

And I was like wth. That is the problem the fact that you don't find the entire thought of act of analyzing body parts wrong is the problem. And you are justifying it by saying at least I say it out loud. Men just can't.

Yasmeen: LOL. Man. Just.

Eesha: When everyone was speaking this one guy sends me a message he is like I apologise if I ever invaded your personal space. And I am like ok that's acceptable he is saying sorry and realising his mistake. I walked him through how at times he was too much etc and made me feel uncomfortable thinking it would help him realise and he'll do better. The next message I get: "well, I am sorry to say I messaged a lot of girls and they all said I didn't. You are the only one who said yes so it's on you not me." And I was like wth.

Yasmeen: ....m

Eesha: Why are you even apologising if you don't realise. Just so I don't reveal your name? So you're not embarrassed about or sorry for what you did, you just don't want your image to be ruined. 

Yasmeen: God. So disappointing. And we are talking about top tier educated class. So rest of the population, God let's not even go there. 

Eesha: Yeah. Really weird.

Ladies Room — Episode 1: Morning Stroll

Ladies Room is a series of text conversations that stem from casual discussions among peers. Often such insignificant interactions leave you with significant things to wonder about. The language of this series will be primarily English but often major parts of it just may be in Urdu. Updates are dependent purely open on the frequency of something being considered substantial enough to be put out like this. 

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Sam: So every morning the path I take to walk, there is this older couple, maybe in their late 70s and every single day they come out to stroll with hand in hand by their sides, fingers interlocked, with both just looking at each other and talking, smiling. My heart just goes whoosh everyday because everyday it's the same pose, same feels and they are both just smiling so affectionately at each other. 😭

Aalu: 😭😭😭😭omg that's so cuteeee.

Me: It's too early in the morning for you too go on attacking around with fiction-gone-real.

Sam: Legit, everyday I expect there to be something different, like maybe there is some space between them while walking, or them not holding hands for a while, but nah, their sides are glued and the hand hold is not even the regular hand hold but every times it's the fingers interlocked one, with her other hand wrapped around his bicep area, and his other hand squeezing a stress ball, while they just have their faces close to one another, staring into each others' eyes and smiling and chatting like they just got married...I AM LIKE PLEASE WHAT IS THIS.

And because they are older, it's more like those fiction scenarios. 🤧

Me: Ma'am I just woke up. Can you NOT, it's too early. 😭

Sam: And it's also like they are lost in their own world while they are walking. They actually don't break the eye lock that easily, they just keep strolling, and I am the one who just steps to the side and gives them time to pass by...and inside I scream like a maniac awed by their cuteness.

Me: Nah I'm just imagining you having a hard time staying 'normal'. Man that's so adorable. 🤧

Sam: I do smile at them, EACH TIME, because I can't help it. Two days ago they were looking at some flowers, hands never leaving each other's. 😭

Me: I'm...oh shutup what AU is this? 🤧

Sam: That kind of casual and cute intimacy at this age just gives such a nice picture of how their younger life and life thus far might have been. They are so comfortable and loving with each other, as though it's habit. These are literally those high school sweethearts types who sustained so far because it was the giddy but pure kind of love I bet.

Aalu: 😭to Much for my heart. 

Me: Man I just finished reading an AU and now you come attacking and I'm oh...yeah you know. 😣

Sam: Absolute goals! Ahhh that kind of love, it's so so so so rare to see, especially when people get older. Most just have the kind of marriage where they have been sick and tired of each other since long, and then there is this kind. Where you are like, nah man, I JUST KNOW these two had so much love between them. So whenever I see those rare cases, my heart just bursts.

Me: Ah. What actually is disturbing is the fact that as much as this is all cute and stuff, it stands out this much...why? Because it's not the norm. That shit hurts man. 

Sam: EXACTLY! This! Why do you think we are going gaga over it, and why do you think we actually notice and remember it? Because we don't see it, almost ever. So when the very rare scenarios come up, it's the simplest of things but they stand out because we are so used to observing shit otherwise.

Me: THIS. Period. Ugh I really wish people learned to respect others, it's really as simple as that. Everything stems from that one word. It makes you a better human no matter to whom, how, when, where, why and in what sort of a relationship. The fact that this very thing lacks so badly explains a lot about how people fail to acknowledge the bonds they share in any capacity.

Sam: 💯💯💯💯💯 Another thing, desi culture legit shames and looks down upon the most simple and essential forms of showcase of intimacy, always it's sad. Like holding hands, or just looking at each other longingly. These are not 'sexual' stuff. It's just simple forms of expressions of care and love.

Me: They shame you for being a considerate, respectful and sensitive human. That's about it. Apparently dominance is so glorified that the fact that people could just look beyond stubborn ideals and be nice to each other is so RARE. It's really not about PDA. That's always a personal choice and not everyone is comfortable with that. They bring in culture and I'm like sure, even though you as a third person have no right to say anything between two people, sure I understand that to overstep a cultural boundary could be upsetting for you. BUT it's simple as this, it's an excuse. You could be simply a better human to your partner and they'd label you spineless. And for what? For being just caring and expressive. If you have a personal choice to dislike it, others can have a personal choice to like it. They lace it in humour just to keep it less controversial, but that actually makes the mockery more acceptable. And I'm saying this regardless of gender norms. Men get called stuff that makes it seem like they've no 'fake masculinity' if they're a gentle person. Women get called stuff that makes them believe, you need to be intimidated by him 24*7. And the way they bring the Adam Eve creation story and references of who's to "look out" for who. I'm sorry but care and protectiveness have no gender. They come out of genuine affection and that's how it should be taken. Unfortunately it's not. Unfortunately it's associated to gender roles and gender norms that make you forget your partner is a human first and your partner later. You should not be doing something just because they're your partner or not. Your intentions need to be organic, or what's even the point of it all then?

Sam: Ugh ALL OF THIS, just the truth!!

Belief & Beyond

From parts of a conversation I recently had with a close group, an extracted version of my take on it.

__________

Imagine I'm already so loud about such topics and yet there are things I've never said because I know if I did...I would have been declared blasphemous or something.

I am not the best practicing Muslim but I also don't agree with the way our culture treats religion.

Religion is a way of life, not blind allegiance. We don't teach people how to live, instead we impose regulations. That was not the reason why Allah sent literally any messenger. Mankind was supposed to learn and be better humans, as a creation of God and to other humans. The world does the EXACT opposite for literally every religion out there.

As a Muslim Islam is above all for me. But as someone who's entire set of religious practices stem from logical understanding and humanitarian grounds, I disagree with the way people view religions in general. Also the way Muslims forget that one thing we were all taught in school, rights of mankind are placed even above rights of God, because for His rights He makes the choice to punish or forgive, but for a human you hurt, it is their decision to forgive you and until they do so, even Allah will not. When people like me say, humanity above all, it's really funny how we're called as those operating lives on western ideals when this is literally one of the core Islamic beliefs beyond these obvious major doctrines. When I see someone who read this in school just like me, completely disregarding humanity, I am left to wonder how they studied Islam because we all took the same class, same book, same concepts...then how did they manage to forget such a major teaching, rights of mankind and humanity above all.

No one has the same faith and no two people of the same religion have identical beliefs too. But the society makes a list of generally accepted obligatory principles that you are made to comply with without logical reasoning included because they're labeled essential rules and everything else that religion teaches you is ignored.

When in essence, every religion teaches you two things 1) way of life 2) humanity, that is unless of course they aren't corrupted but mankind has corrupted them.

Islam teaches you two additional things 1) why Islam is the final acceptable form or religious practice 2) you are answerable to no-one but God.

In reality, there are no best practicing people of any faith and yet people of every faith have a faction with this superiority complex and lack of humanity in the heart.

Why? Because of the way religious pedagogy is structured by our society.

Allah has told us what is right and wrong. Every generation has the duty of teaching values. But not to be the judge on earth. In the end, if someone doesn't follow the right path, my duty as an elder, guardian, school, government...etc. was to educate them, not to forcefully make them practice. If they choose to not practice, then it is between Allah and the said individual.

But what does our society do:
1) teach religion like a matter of blind allegiance without actual 'education and learning'
2) hold people accountable when they fail to meet standards, even though the only one who has the authority to be the judge is Allah himself

I am not the best practicing Muslim, but I know my duties and my limits. Anything taught by force is not religious education, it is simply instilling a fundamentalist mindset and agenda.

That being said, I apologize to anyone who may not like anything I said above. I'll be answerable to Allah for that.

A Comprehensive Glance — Mental Heath (Research — Pt 1.1)

Over the course of time, in the past two centuries, the manner in which cases of mental illnesses have been reported and dealt with has changed a great deal. One of the most renowned cases and perhaps one of the most important ones too has been of Mary Lamb.

In 1976, in a fit of rage, after committing the murder of her own mother, Mary’s condition was declared as lunacy, and the only breadwinner of the poor family was then immediately sent to a madhouse. Before the incident took place the family had already gone weary of her condition which is why Mary’s brother also intended to consult a doctor in this regard. But before anything could have been done, the night of September 21 1796, Mary had attacked and killed her mother also inflicting wounds on her father John Lamb. Mary was not incarcerated and held accountable for her actions, the common law of the country had no regulations for someone having any medical illness. (Appignanesi, pp 13-49)

Given the same incident took place in the current day, not only would the murderer be held accountable but be found in a psychiatric ward, being treated for the mental illness, rather than being merely confined in a madhouse like Mary was. Mary faced a problem of recurring attacks of her mental condition. She made several visits to and stayed in the madhouses, both public and private, whenever she or her brother sensed her illness coming back. She was aware of her condition and chose to go back in retreat and confinement every time she sensed she could become a danger for others. Mary still lived through periods of considerable sanity, during which she assisted her brother on many literary works. One would assume that despite the violent attack she made, Mary was not all that insane after all. There were a number of reasons identified as being responsible for Mary’s condition, one of the most important ones being her troubled childhood, lack of love she received from her mother. Given that it seems right to say Mary required the attention and love her brother chose to give her by keeping her close to himself, by looking after her on his own. His methods did work, gave fruitful results, her literary works and the last few years she spent in good condition even after her brother’s death, seem to serve as an evidence.

But here the question seems to be if keeping her among the public was a right decision or not, someone else too could be killed at her hands. Madhouses of that time had no form of proper diagnoses, let alone treatment, confinement only helped keep her away. But what if things went wrong while Mary was living with Charles?

51 years old Lisa Caplan of Palmerton, had been already diagnosed of suffering from mental illnesses, had been taken into psychiatric facility too. But after the last time she was released, late last year she killed her own mother. It was reported that this was the medical negligence of the psychiatric facility, and it was also true that even though Lisa had a history of mental illnesses, nothing of such a nature had happened. (Michlowski)

From a broader comparison it seems that both Mary and Lisa faced the problem of a recurring illness, were often led out of and led back in to an area away from their households, but Mary didn’t even receive any form of treatment while Lisa did. Yet one in an aggravated state killed her mother while the other already had and was not charged guilty. But given like Lisa Mary too could be released at a time when she shouldn’t have been, was it really right after all to release Mary or will it be to release anyone else in today’s times? What standards have we set to judge whether a person is cured and safe to be let out of constant medical observation facilities? In Mary’s times diagnostic facilities may not have been up-to the mark, but are the treatments of today that focus less on logical deduction and more on prescribing pills better in this regard? It is true that we cannot chain down anyone in any psychiatric facility forever, they come here for treatments not as a punishment to be sentenced to life imprisonment. But doesn’t that call more critical analysis of the patient’s condition? Medical negligence can be reported, but are we learning anything from the history of such cases? What should be our course of action and how should we proceed with it still remains an important question. But first it is vital to acknowledge that our diagnostic techniques, treatments and facilities have improved, but not enough. There is still much room of improvement and much work to be done before we can reach a satisfactory status regarding understanding, diagnosing and treating mental illnesses. Our purpose is treatment and rehabilitation, not confinement. But with that we can certainly not take risks on other human lives too, blindly. There is a need to revisit and reanalyze our forms of treatments and judgments associated with mental illnesses.

Works Cited

Appignanesi, Lisa. Mad, Bad and Sad: a History of Women and the Mind Doctors from 1800 to the Present. Virago, 2010. pp 13-49

Michlowski, Bill. “Attorney: Daughter Accused of Killing Mother with Crossbow Has 'Long-Standing History' of Mental Illness.” WNEP.com, WNEP, 30 Sept. 2017, wnep.com/2017/09/30/attorney-daughter-accused-of-killing-mother-with-crossbow-has-long-standing-history-of-mental-illness/.

Mess

You were a mess
But the most beautiful mess
A tad bit of grumpy
And a tonne of distress
The wildest of storms
But so soft that I’d want to caress
Maybe even if in a corner I supress
Lock away all that was felt by either
With me your glares and glances
Still tend to play a game of chess
Each one of your moves I carefully assess
Pondering what goes on in that mind of yours
Soul so subtly simple, emotions so simply subtle
But with the courage of a tigress
I was the one who wanted to checkmate you
Now look I’m the one left in a mess

Healing

And those who were hurt
Know how to heal
With a tender touch
Each wound they seal
And those who were hurt
Know how to feel
How tough it is to forget
Each memory they peel
And those who were hurt
Know how to deal
With all that is fake
And all that is real
They know more than you think
More than in what you believe
From most of the things
A deeper meaning they perceive
So let those who were hurt
Walk into your life tomorrow
Let it be a new morning for you
Let them take away your sorrow
You think no-one gets you
And yet at least they do
Learn to grasp another hand
Even if you trust a few

To a Decade of Escapades

Tracing tracks with the tips of shoes, twirling through twisted pathways, tightly clutching onto a satchel full of books. We wandered down new alleys whilst whispering to ourselves a thousand dreams, formulated and deconstructed several times on the way. The ways kept winding and in those spirals we still managed to find ourselves somehow. Maybe it was losing ourselves after all, that truly led to figuring out who we really wanted to be. Maybe it was letting go off firmly held beliefs and ideals, that led to exploring horizons beyond our perceived limits.

To the millennials that are now welcoming the third major decade change in their lives, we are stepping into a crucial phase. Building a career, starting a family or settling down with already laid out foundations, the next decade holds a lot for us. The person you are, looking forward to 2020, is completely different from the kid or adolescent with their whole lives in front of them as an unexplored adventure. The person you will be stepping into 2030 will be far from what you may have ever planned. But in this decade between these two milestones, don't forget to cherish life and its little things. Don't lose touch with who you are at the core, your dreams and aspirations are all worth still being explored. They may be the same or have altered several times on the way, and may continue to do so. Regardless, don't lose yourself on the way to building a future.

A decade ago, we began a journey of our own but shared uncountable ones with others. Intertwined hands with several and lost touch with many on the way. This past decade has built us, brought us down, taught us to rise up again and keep moving forward. So take along with yourself every bit of it that has encouraged you to grow.

It was never an easy journey and neither shall the following one be. But that is life and so take it all as a challenge. To broken trust and to built up bonds, to shattered dreams and to outshining all, to every frown and and to jolting back up each time you were brought down...let it all be a guide and a reminder that you are stronger than you believe.

I don't know who needs to hear this. But if you weren't in the best place this past decade, the fact that you are on the brink of starting a new one, already signifies your strength. Just hang in there. You survived. In the end, that is all that matters. In the end the very fact that you have battled with time, fate and even yourself certifies that you have not learnt to give up on life, and yourself. So just believe in yourself that you can continue putting up with every curve ball thrown your way, as long as you don't let go off the string of hope.

___________________________________________


To the people who completed this decade alongside me, thank you for hanging in there all along.
To the ones who left before the next mark, thank you for the fond memories we still shared and for the lessons you taught and left me with
To those who joined in on the way, our journeys together may be short but you chose to walk in when you were trapped in your own thoughts, trials and troubles...so thank you. May this last longer than either of us ever thought.
To those who I may cross paths with in the future, may our interactions be pleasing and worth it.
To all those I have ever known, may life bless you with the best. May you learn something new each day and may it shape you to evolve into becoming the best version of yourself.

Happy 2020 everyone!

Rest in Pieces

Our society talks about mental health when someone passes away.
We encourage people to have a conversation about how they’re feeling.
But when they do, we tell them they need to grow up.
No not in an empathetic or sympathetic way.
We tell them they need to stop thinking.
We downplay their struggles, make fun of their troubles.
We reiterate that to be insecure is to be weak.
We remind them that being happy and optimistic should be the goal so if they aren’t able to pursue it, it’s because they’re just not trying hard enough.
We push them to believe they are just not thankful enough about the little things in life.

And then we say “inna lilah wa inna alihay rajioun”.
[ trans: "Indeed, to God we belong and to God we shall return.” ]
And then we want to know their story.
And then we want them to have felt loved and appreciated.
And then we say we wish we could have done something.

We don’t.
We type away, “...hey if you need to talk to someone, I’m here...”

But we never mean it.

We agree because it's just a few words we're putting out there.

But we are not open to the thought having to do that.

And even if were genuinely concerned and not insensitive, we forget that dealing with someone such requires a lot more than just pure intent. Above all it requires patience and care.

The endless saga of brown people failing to comprehend mental health and concerns associated with it.

————————-

If you are someone going through something, please approach people who have struggles of their own. They might not be in the right state of mind to get involved in your troubles.
But if they are, they’re really the only ones who will genuinely understand you, or at least make an effort to do so.

Falling

I fall in love with

Melodies and music

Chirping birds at dawn

With deep blue skies

Or with night lights 

As stars that shone

Brighter than smiles

I ever got to see

Maybe in the name of it all

Moon shall be my company

So moonchild what is it

That you seek after all

In this world so big

And hearts so small

Maybe just maybe

Solitude is my solace

Maybe just maybe

I’m finally loving this pace

That haunted me for years

Is now an eternity I long

Of being away and alone

So no-one hears that song

Playing on the radio

Are the beats of my heart

Tiny twisted tales

Of all those little starts

That were made to

Escape silence and grief

Maybe this is what was needed

Maybe this is true relief

Better than deserted

To opt to be on your own

Maybe this is what they call

To have finally grown

You accept the shadows

Not with spite but open arms

For in giggles and glitter

May not lie all charms

So let me hold onto

Well nothing after all

Let me cut all strings

And end all calls

Sink deeper into silence

Drive further than before

For it may be worth it

With even the feet sore

Let’s chase away ourselves

Until we’ve nothing to hold

Let go of it all we said we needed

Lies we ourselves told

We just needed to learn to

Accept it all without believing

That this could be the worst

Accept stranded as the company

That could quench the thirst

For homes and holy hearts

Let’s setup a new fence

Relax in the very place

That once left us tense

Accept that everything goes

Even if much didn’t come

Be glad you at least were

Able to find some

But now it’s time to

Finally move on

Dance to melancholy

As you see it all gone

Maybe this was it

Losing everything to gain

A lesson or two or infinite

In exchange for a bit of pain

At least next when it happens

When someone leaves you alone

You wouldn’t be surprised

Maybe finally you’d grown

To learn the truth of the world

That it was right to fall for everything

Except people weren’t worth it all

So fall for fiction and nature

Enough it is love, even if small.

Inspiration:

Conversations With A Stranger

This post is for anyone and everyone who is in any capacity concerned about mental health issues. It'll take you a while to read but I have a few thoughts I'd like to share. Pause or scroll away, whatever you wish.

If you've known me for a while, you would be well aware of the fact that I'm pretty vocal about certain topics, mental health is one. I gladly engage in discussion relevant to it and I'm definitely not a certified counselor, but I'm always open to conversation with people who feel the need to speak to someone. Through my own experience, sometimes a conversation is vital to keep you sane. I promise complete confidentiality in such cases, and whether we know each other in a personal capacity or not, I respect their privacy.

I recently had a conversation with someone. Bearing in mind that I would not like to reveal their identity in any capacity, I'm only here to tell you somethings I picked up upon. This isn't the first time, but this time something was so different that I found the need to talk about this.

The said person and I both are brown. And really they don't know me much at all. This is the first time I've had someone open up to me like this, given we barely know each other, almost strangers. But they knew I was all ears for anyone who needed someone to listen to them, so they hit me up. Usually we prefer to confide in someone close to us. But the reason they opted to talk to me (almost a stranger to them) was because the people closest to them have pretty harshly rejected conversation. This is the red flag. They trusted a stranger over the people close to them, because they didn't get support rather faced sheer criticism.

Mental health is still very much stigmatized in our society. Since it refuses to accept that these problems exist, most of the people going through any such situation have no medical record to support their condition. Brown people refuse to acknowledge anything unless there's documentation for it and of course they also have a tendency to blame people for their problems. That's exactly what happened with this person too. Our society easily blames people for even their physical misfortunes, then given it's not ready to acknowledge mental health issues, it's way worse. Additionally, since more young people are coming out and being vocal about mental health, most of us get labeled as attention seekers who are just overthinking and exaggerating things out of proportion. Now this is not to say I'm blind to the fact that people can fake things, but really telling that to everyone doesn't help you identify if their problem is real or like you'd prefer believing in, they're "faking it".

It's true that counseling should help you and yes you should consult a professional. But in my own experience I was present at such a session with someone very dear to me. I don't think our brown society is ready to have this conversation even when one of the person involved is a psychologist or counselor. I was astonished with the way I saw the psychologist do the same thing every other person would do outside their clinic, blame the sufferer for their suffering. Personally, I don't mean to generalize and say that's how all professionals are and so you shouldn't consult them at all. No, please go see one if it can help you. But after that experience, I don't think I'll be comfortable with the thought of ever paying a visit to one, at least back home. This horrendous experience I witnessed was at a very renowned hospital in the capital so that's enough to scare me away from even imagining what happens in other places.

Now the person who contacted me did so 1) because the people around them only chose to play the blamegame 2) they're afraid to have this conversation with their parents knowing they'll have a similar reaction 3) they found it easier to talk to someone who was open to mental health conversations, even if just a stranger.

On top of that, they're a psychology student themselves. Not only did the person they talk to blame them for exaggerating things but also blamed their education for it. They ended up in such a situation where it honestly hurt to read the texts they were sending to me. They were not in a good place and thanks to this uncooperative attitude they had to experience, they were doubting their own sanity. I really am of no help at all. I've no knowledge regarding helping anyone in such a scenario. But the 15 minutes we spent talking, they left off relieved with the thought that they shouldn't be afraid to seek help, they just need to talk to people who could listen to them without hurting them further. I've made absolutely no difference in their life, and I cannot. Really no-one can. Brown people treat everything as if it has a cure, cure it and move on. That really isn't how mental health issues are. It's not a mathematical sum that has a solution and yep you found x so end up of conversation. More often than not, it's all recurring too. As a society we need to understand that no-one wants to live a miserable life. Believe me everyone wants their problems to end. But mental health isn't something like cold or flu, so stop treating it like that. Encourage people by saying things will get better but don't expect them to wake up in the morning and go like that's it, my depression is cured and I'll never be stressed out again.

This individual sought comfort in talking to a stranger. And they're very young. I'm glad that they spoke to me because they knew they needed to. They needed someone to encourage them without making them feel pathetic for asking for help. But please, please be more understanding towards the people around you. If they don't want to open up-to you, respect that. If they wish to open up-to you, please be more welcoming. Do not push them away. Do not drive them towards self-doubt. Not everyone will choose to try talking to someone else instead. And I don't even want to imagine the consequences of shutting everyone out. Nothing kills you more than being in that situation and being on your own. Please don't show your concern for mental health as just a topic. Please be considerate to those around you who are going through such things. This place is not one to preach and I don't expect to really be contributing towards making a difference by just talking about it. So that's exactly what I don't do, I don't post stuff here and assume my contribution ends there. I remember these things when I'm around people, where my actions actually make a difference. If you're reading this, I just hope you remember these things the next time you're in a capacity to influence someone's life by merely use of words.

Choices

Make your own choices.
Use what you've seen and what you've learnt to infer who you should be or become.
Welcome what others may have to say.
Communicate your own thoughts without biases.
Put your thought processes towards understanding what choice is realistic, reasonable and applicable.
Consider factors that affect you and consider how you may affect others.
But in the end even after all of this, there is no certainty that you made the best choice.
But at least you made your own choice.
There's no regret left behind because you didn't value your judgement.
At least the results were preceded by your efforts to make the best choice.
What followed factors in not only your decision but the circumstances you encountered before and after taking it.

We all grow and evolve.
And if there's something I've learnt overtime, gradually through every stage, it's to communicate with others but not be guided by any.
Find inspirations, not instructions.
Free yourselves from labels and laws that govern our individual ideals and form monsters in the name of what the society shall say.
Remember the basic rules centered around morals and ethics that are the core of humanitarian principles.
Our faiths and our beliefs do not have to be the same to understand anything that brings harm shouldn't be a valid choice.
And even if your choice becomes a cause of destruction for you, you made it knowing what you were getting yourself into.
Just remember to not harm another individual by your action.
Center your morals upon ideals that are common to all, or at least a significant majority. Center your morals upon how your choices can impact someone, including of course yourself. Center them upon the basic instincts not beliefs that immediately tell you, this may be wrong but that doesn't seem right.
But don't count your beliefs as morals and ethics.
Because beliefs can differ, but basic ethics are unanimous, and they shall be.

And above all, respect people's choices.
Respect their right for only them to be responsible for the choices they make.
Don't hold them accountable to yourself.
Don't hold them accountable to your beliefs.
Hold them accountable to basic ethics if they violate.
Stop them, prevent things, only if what they're doing is against the basic ideals of humanity.

You don't have to be the follower of any faith or a part of any culture to fear the consequences of your actions.
There is no sin greater than causing destruction that can impact others.
You don't have to be the believer of any faith to remember that.
People's rights and humanity shouldn't consider and shouldn't only be considered when associated to any faith or culture.

We as people need a way to lead life, and so we choose a faith or are given one at birth. And we choose to stay with it, move to another or drop all.
And if you want to lead your life according to any or none at all, that depends upon you.
But no matter what choice you make, you are still a human.
You are not answerable to anyone for your beliefs except whoever you believe in.
But your actions should never violate basic ethics regardless of the choices you make.

This is not to say I promote the idea of forgetting your religion or culture. I don't. But my faith applies to me and so does my culture. If I believe I am answerable to God that is my belief. I shouldn't have the right to force that accountability on anyone else. No faith promotes forgetting one's impact on mankind. So remember that beyond just what you believe in. Because I a Muslim and my Christian friend may not agree on everything since our beliefs differ. But neither should forget our beliefs apply to us only. Our actions should respect our rights and those of others as individuals, whether or not our beliefs converge in that respect is not a given.

23

Perhaps in the darkest of times do we discover the light within. The sparks that we expect to go flying, come from nowhere else but the attics of our own hearts. The dark can be deceptive and yet protective, if one finds comfort in shutting out everything. And solitude is by no means man’s enemy, it’s a precious possession of mystic minds, but a source of repression for the anxious kind.

Must we find solace in spreading wings in highlands, we should not intend to chase away ourselves to a no man’s land. Rather find serenity and serendipity in pursuing the path of perception of our concealed selves and the workings of that mind, out in the open and yet away. To wander off into fields of knee high grass, should be our illusionary form of teleportation of the soul. The lights must only be out, so that the figure curled into a ball sinks into the abyss of discovering themselves, and the sparks following an unthinkably long yearning. Close doors upon all, not so to escape from the realm of reality, but to hear closely the sounds that are only audible when silence prevails. The sounds of organisms ignored for their insignificance, for they remind you of the existence of the little things we often forget. And that of the organ of the greatest significance. Listen to the beats of the fist sized heart that metaphorically holds a myriad of emotions. When one worries for if any other beats for them, recall that the one in you does and that your existence is for no-one but yourself, so place yourself on the highest pedestal of concern. Then let all else follow closely but still behind.

Expression is a variant form of art that bottles up all that has been bottled in for long. Ties a vintage or exquisite ribbon or bow, then ships it off to the mercy of whoever finds, what they choose to see and what they choose to believe may not always match what was intended, but that is the beauty of expression. The one sealing the bottles pours in their own, the one pulling out the cork feels their own. And comfort, cognizance and choice, all alter understandings of the messages wrapped up on the antique parchments. 

Perhaps this is my bottle, and both the one tying tiny ribbons or getting them undone is just ones self after all. Perhaps just like the ink was set free from the pen to adorn parchments till they were wrapped and trapped in bottles to be sent off to their destination, I too unleash thoughts in the black but with the only difference of these bottles having no destination to reach. Perhaps times have changed and ways have altered but the one who pens still condenses conversations, scenarios and fragments of imagination in twisted ways to tell tales untold, words that haven’t escaped lips in their true forms.

Perhaps some find solace in direct accounts of their day to day encounters, while for me that has been an endless struggle, discontinued too often too. Penning down was a passion and a form of venting out. But an indirect escape of abstract extractions seemed more comforting and fruitful than simply keeping a diary. A dump of thoughts with no patterns or parameters. I found comfort in putting things together in that form, and it still continues to be the case. Often when something bugs me to an extent that I would probably want to but not choose to speak to anyone, I have a little one-sided conversation with a blank sheet of paper. Imbalances in sanity or psychological states are still very much stigmatized. The level of comfort found in sinking into a conversation with an absolute stranger sometimes seems more ideal than with someone we’ve known. But that too is misinterpreted as something highly insignificant. Then this one-sided conversation comes in handy. It becomes a way to vent without being looked down upon and without any other consequences than realizing your own ways to grow. Penning was never a profession rather a passion, so I let it be just that and not anything more. To me it is just another form of art, stands out to be different from most but it’s uniqueness only makes it more special.

Life is a rollercoaster ride where ups and downs are the norm, it’s only when the pace of transition increases that the stomach begins to churn. Over the years I’ve experienced things that have impacted who I am and well no impact is always and completely good and for the best. But I’ve spent time deducing the best of it, often putting it or my mental debate into words so it helps ponder further. So much goes on with oneself, and not all of it is always positive but one can only try to constantly aim that it is.

As I turn 23 and finally look forward to graduation this academic year, I look forward to settling into a new life, hopefully one that enables me to explore more and find newer escape routes to get lost in the beauty of this world rather than the concealed basements of the past. Things have changed overtime and whether for the good or otherwise, they’ve taught me an ample lot. Lessons that will go on with me for life, weaknesses that I can work upon, strengths that I can make my forte. There is a very long way to go, a lot to experience and a lot to ponder upon and deduce from. Yet with around five weeks to another year of my life being over, I intend to reach a personal goal by then. You can’t alter things that are attached to you if you have no control over them. But you can choose to focus on either the good or bad or both. What seems best is too focus on what brings a smile and for anything that causes a frown to form, focus on the goodness in that, the little positivity or the positive lesson that follows it. But don’t let your mind wander off onto the negativities it can’t tame. 

As kiddish as it may sound, I don’t jump on the bandwagon of New Year’s resolution, but each year before I grow older, I set a target to achieve. Either something by that date or a year from it. This time my first goal is to achieve something by that date, learn to move ahead without overthinking about the negativity attached. Optimism is healthy, but it not being followed by pessimistic thoughts rather it becoming the end result of the project sounds more ideal, so that is what I shall do. To not speak or ponder over what brings one down, but use all of it to paint the same with genuinely optimistic paint. It is not to say one forget what brings them down but rather one can choose to not think of it and aim to rise above and beyond. It is not to say that the mind may never wander off in thoughts, may never find ones self at the back of a deserted damp and dark room. But it is to say that one must try to think of everything else so overthinking over the things where they have no control is the last thing on the schedule. I aim to focus upon who I am as a person. That is not to say I need to alter myself to fit in a mold, but how I can better myself. Someone once said to me, thorns will always out number roses but that doesn’t reduce their significance and status. Those who care were, are and will always be a bunch so to wonder what’s wrong with ones self because the herd against you looks bigger is a toxic approach that will only bring you down further. Focus on the fact that some hung along and even though they too may have issues from you, they’re still there. To love yourself is probably the toughest but to know you’re loved is important, because those people are the ones who matter, the hands that you shouldn’t let go off and the only souls who should be able to change you, for the better.

Often putting my thoughts into words is a way of making myself relearn the relatively thoughtful things I can think of at the spur of the moment. Away of reassuring myself that sanity still prevails in my crackhead self and so even though things may end up messed up enough to form a curled ball in a corner because of the curve balls life throws, to stay their or to jump up shall be my call. It can be challenging to value without comparison, but it is needed. It can be challenging to settle for little love but it’s truer love so it is needed. It can be challenging to see the light through darkness but it is needed so watch out for every spark. Life isn’t euphoric for anyone, but find what makes you feel like you’re in utopia. Even if you end up mentally debating about why not everyone gets the same type and size share of it. Remind yourself that to be blessed is not to have the best, but to experience what it is to be with the ones honest to your soul. Invest in bondings without expecting returns and I promise you would’ve already found what leaves you on cloud nine. Promise yourself to not chase down alleys behind a light, be your own light and life will feel lighter.

The Difference of Chlorophyll

privilege is a luxury
treasure it
with less on your mind
less comes out
with more comes trash
easily identifiable
not decipherable
within the confines
of too much love
affection is undervalued
when the question is
of there being any at all
the scale is different
and illusionarily balanced
pluck a twig
or crample a dead leaf
two insanely different things
viewed as the same in a pile